The Art of Arguing in a Phonebox

You Can't Handle The Truth

2006-06-19T22:03:00.000+01:00

I'll be honest, I nearly deleted this, I nearly never came back, I ain't saying I deserve the readers but well things have been kinda shit.

I hate to be the bad news bear but well....... thats all I have had, an' so I ain't wanted to post nuting. I hear that Ty has good news congrats to him an' his!

Well my latest bad news, well football violence visited my house the other weekend. After watching England beat Paraguay, just! The other Saturday me and a few mates went up the local park to kick a football around. We met another group of guys (who I didn't know) and challenged them to a game, there was a few arguments and then at "half time" as we were about to begin I was attacked by a 2-3 I dunno, I have no real idea it could have been more. Well at least one of them was armed with what I have been told is an "ASP"

Needless to say I took hits to the right knee, at least 2 to the head and 4-5 to the ribs. I can only say thankfully the arseholes responsible were unskilled as the 2 to the head should have killed me and the 2 to the right knee should have broke bone. As for the body shots well that was just incompetance on their behalf.

I managed to get one to the floor before my brother laid in, thankfully friends stopped him killing the fucks. A murder charge is not what us as a family would need, but part of me wishes they hadn't, never mind!

So I spent Saturday night in hospital and recieved thank god, only 20 stitches 15 in the head and 5 to my chin, the chin is the worst I dribble when drinking and can't eat anything too solid. All will heal, all will go away but an area I grew up in and take my kids regular wil never be the same.

As for the fucks who did it, well rumours are they are known drug dealers, known aresholes, and yet I am to discover why!

The police know who they are, have impounded cars and are searching for them as I type this, although rumours on the street suggest they have fucked off to spain to escape. Never mind!

The nurses were cool, I can't thank them enough, when I was having a traumatic time, they took my mind of everything with classic double entendre smutty jokes and I intend to buy them drinks to say thankyou.

When they were testing the damage to my spine I had a finger inserted where the sun don't shine and all I could say when asked how do you feel?

"Violated"

It was that kinda moment, I thank the NHS and the nurses I had, they were topnotch. The fucks can die for all I care, the police will get them and then my civil action will get them too!

So yet again I am the bad news bear, and can't give you any good news, other than my head is clearing up, my scars will add to those I already had, and frankly ain't shit! I will come back stronger, granted my nreves were shreaded at first but my friends helped me through it, and I will update this once a week from now on.

Next time I will have better news, tomorrow I have my stitches out. My mouth is still bad but fuck em! I will survive to coin a phrase.

take care!

Motivation is at 0% Captain!

2006-05-16T10:52:00.000+01:00

So again I have neglected posting anything for a while, I do fully intend to get back into it but just as things look bright enough to post stuff I get another kick in the balls an' lose motivation.

So what's the crack then?

Well I was in France lastweek for the day, a day trip out, I went with a friend we intended to gets some cheap booze, cigarettes an' some soft cheese an' shit. The previous days had been good the British weather was outdoing North Africa so I chose not to stay in an' post stuff that I had built up over a few days. I had spent the time taking the kids swimming, adventure playgrounds showing the mommies what a good daddy I am.

Then on Thursday at 13.00 the ferry was just leaving Dover for Calais when my phone rang, the sun was high in the sky not a cloud to be seen. It was Nice Guy Luke, his brother was over from Canada and expected the call to refer to us going out for a few beers an' maybe a game of golf. I dun play golf, well okay I have played golf an' I only like smacking the fuck out of the little white guy with my metal bat, but going along to golf on a day like that would have been nice had I not been on the ferry.

It wasn't "Alright Andy, have you spoken to The King of Bling?"
"Nope"
"I don't know how to say this?" he uttered.

Now alsorts of shit was going through my head, The King, was having problems recently the circle of friends was rounding on him, his word was being questioned, "does he ever tell the truth?" His latest ploy has been to walk round on crutches, now his perseverence with the broken metatarsal story had begun to win me over at least. But the story is so unlikey an' the fact he ain't worked in 4 years an' was supposed to be starting a job soon had caused doubts, everytime he says he is about to start a job something comes up to stop him doing so. See where the doubts come in, on top of his mounting debts within the circle, tensions were running high. All the jokes were aimed at him, an he was starting to bite. The previous day he had called me to one side an' asked the question, "Andy, I'm asking you, cos you dun normally give a fuck about peoples feelings an' I know you will tell the truth! But what the fuck is going on why does everyone walk off when I walk in?" I dun told him the veiled truth about his outbursts an' that "come on, everyone gets targeted once in a while an' you're an' easy target at the moment."

So I thought, that maybe he was after a piece of whoop ass, or even had done something stupid like not gone home before his police curfew, a story he came up with a while ago talking about fucking off to Turkey an' be a felon on the run, again a load of bollocks but one day he might do it.

But no the story was worse...

"Andy, Walshie was found dead, this morning" at this point my head was spinning, spinning on the deck of a big fucking ferry heading in the wrong fucking way. Walshie wasn't my best friend by a long stretch of the imagination, I certainly wasn't his but we were friends, good friends, buddies drinking partners, we talked shit together, some of my best nights were spent with Walshie. Walshie an' his fiancee, Walshie who, had just proposed, Walshie who was getting his life together. Walshie my friend.

Needless to say we didn't get anything on the road trip, I got several txt messages, several telephone calls all explaining more details. Details I currently don't believe, details that if they turn out to be false will cause wide divisions in my circle of mates.

I bumped into his Fiancee yesterday, an emotional time, a scary time I gave my sympathy an' best wishes. I explained how we all felt, an' that we would like to invite her and the family to a remembrance drink on Friday after the funeral, Stella tops and fish cakes with mini spring rolls for side orders. None of us drink Stella tops but Walshie did, an' its only fitting we celebrate him how he would celebrate us.

I will be back I hope sooner than this time an' with better news.

take care

Thug Life

2006-05-03T12:20:00.000+01:00

Anymore comments about being a Gangsta an' I'm sending these mofo's round your crib to put a cap in your ass, an' I ain't talking a dutch either!

I have nothing else the lure of day time tv and daytime drinking can control me no more. Hopefully I'll get back into the seing of things soon

Fucksocks

2006-05-02T10:58:00.000+01:00

I was due to start work today, you see I got a job offer on Monday but then by Wednseday they decided that my pay demands were slighty high an' decided to offer it to someone else and blow me off. Now I kinda a like being blown off normally, but this sucked like having your nutsack chewed up by a piranha, so I have been told anyway.

The real muthafucka is that I had stopped looking for work an' had turned another job down in favour of that one. I ain't bitter it obviosly weren't meant to be specially as my would have been boss had a fucking nice rack an' that ain't a good way to start a professional relationship. Another thing since I think about it I would have got a company car, all very well an' good but it would have been a piece of shit people carrier with a fuckin fish logo on the back, all the cars in the car park had one of those Christian fish logos on them. The more an more I think about that little bit, the more I realise that although they fucked me in the ass with a dustbin, I don't think I would have fitted in there.

Anyway, thats the news an' I got a new tattoo it's itching like fuck at the moment but I am showing monk like discipline in not scratching the scab. I shaved my chest for it an' that was a weird experience seeing my naked nipples for the first time since I can remember. It seems jus' like my pubes I woke up one day an pow! I had body hair.

I spent the bankholiday posing in a friends convertable, we went to the coast took the piss out of chavs an' bitched an' moaned about various mates as you do when spending the day driving around with fuck all else to do. I won a little cheapo nasty toycar from some fairground stall I think I have picked up some sort of brain problem from sucking on it's lead paint so I shan't be giving it to the kids I would rather wait until I've sucked all the paint off. Anyway I am off to be angry elsewhere, bye!

I Am The Resurrection

2006-04-19T10:13:00.000+01:00

Easter was fun an' now it's over, with family spread across the place I spent the time with my new family in the boozer. Because of this I actually relented and joined a gym cos the well erm.... I'm vain as fuck an' am getting fat.

Job news I have an interview tomorrow an' a final interview on Monday so I might actually end up being employed again soon.

Boys Don't Cry

2006-04-13T15:19:00.000+01:00

I've had a few drunken nights recently, but yesterday it was a drunken session with my Dad before him an' me mother go on their grand 2 month voyage to Australia to see my brother an' various other places. Alright for some!

Well to get my mind over a few things I have dun some cooking for a mate who has his own catering business an' even though I stopped all that shit 5 years ago am a better chef than him. Even though he cooked for the Queen yesterday.

The Little one is off to Euro Disney for Easter, I'm gonna celebrate in my own special way. Although I need to let people in to see my parents house cos they have decided to try an sell it whilst they are away. I fucking better not get roped into showing people around it though cos that really would interupt some serious habit forming celebrations.

Thanks for all the nice comments, but I am gonna stop the feeling down shit an' go an get back to happy ol me now. It's either that or kill someone, reccomendations an' requests accepted gleefully!

It Never Rains But It Pours

2006-04-11T14:18:00.000+01:00

I will post again, I promise and Thursday I hope normal duties will resume.

I haven't been posting cos I have been a bit down to say the least, no job yada yada yada although that may be sorted by now- not what I was expecting but someone thinks I am gonna make a good real estate person. Anyway...

My dad has been rediagnosed with cancer that on top of spending all my time searching for work an' getting stressed an' well drinking too much which you all knew I did anyway has meant it's been a bit hectic an' well I jus didn't wanna anymore.

I will post again an' I will do something for Superbadass if Chance or Ty or Chubba haven't pulled it again.....

I'll keep you posted an sorry for not stopping by recently but I will.

He is ok an has had the lump removed an shit but still bit of a worry for little ol me as I dun do serious shit normally

Dive, Dive, Dive!

2006-04-05T11:31:00.000+01:00

more here

Quick update on the weekend that was, having had my end of work final Friday piss up, I came to the conclusion that I shan't be working in the bar anymore either, a shame as I liked working there but a necessary
sacrifice none the less.

Saturday I spent on the day with some friends Cocky Irish, Old Man Denzil and Beanpole Tony. "Laugh you do like a laugh don't ya!" OMD said all day. I've known Denzil since I was 14 my dad has known him for the best part of 20 years, he knows more about me than I care to share, but I know more about him than he lets on an' although his heart is in the right place you wouldn't trust him more than you could throw an elephant. But seeing as he respects an' looks up to my ol' man I'm safe from any real venom this 60+ gypsy can spit at me.

So we had a few beers, followed by a few more beers, followed by ogling various women in the pub, an' the differing barmaids- all of which I might add were very attractive an' know my dad. It's sad but true, but worrying about what gets back to my dad, an' then to my mummy worries me greatly this is why I generally avoid this particular pub if I'm on the piss without my dad or any other family member. I've a tendancy to get a bit carried away at times an' well everyone in there knows who I am, my history an' past skeletons an' all.

OMD knows I know everyone, CI an' BT are none the wiser, so the occasional remark about my how you have mellowed were lost on these 2, an' OMD to be honest cos he really thinks I'm the nicest person in the world all be it with a penchant for ripping the piss too much!

So the night carried on, I got more drunk, chatted to the barmaids, chatted to the girls, chatted to various people in the pub I see normally under the chaparone of kin.... An' started to cut loose CI an' BT are easy targets, they were first, then OMD another fave warm up session an' then generally anyone else in the area. Old or young they all got it, but I was being egged more an' more on, growing confident in the laughter coming from OMD.

Then disaster struck all beit I can't remember doing all of it, an' certainly dun remember the finer details but as OMD happily pointed out to me yesterday. " You like a crack doncha! We had a crack on Saturday, cor we drank some didn't we?"
"Those girls were asking me, is that Big Al's son, cor ain't he a nice fella!"
You see this is all positive, but negative at the same time for me, this means for sure Big Al my dad is gonna find out everything!
"Remember when you got your cock out?"
"No, hold on yes, no I went to get it out as a joke, but you lot stopped me!"
"No, you got it out alright Irish tell him"

And so the conversation went on, I have yet to have the phonecall or chat from Daddy, but he is in there every lunch time an' so it's only a matter of time. Then it'll be the chat from mother about how, drinking too much is bad for you etc....yada yada yada.

You always want to do well by your mum, or I do anyway an' the guilt she makes me feel everytime a titbit of exaggerated gossip gets back to her isn't nice. So there you go!

The night continued into various pubs an' clubs that night. OMD retired early as well he is old. A South African we met along the way never made it either an' as for Beanpole Tony he couldn't get into the last clubs due to his staggering an' shit. It was a good night, apart from the shirt I borrowed from Irish, apart from being too small was fucking awful an' I dun go in for this trendy shit.

I've grown a beard over the weekend so I'm Captain Peaky from Das Boot at the moment, this is according to a few members in the pub. Apparently I have Saxonesque an' Aryan looks so the unshaven matt makes me look like a German U-Boat captain. So that means you can all send me cash before I sink your battleship, or Merchant fleet for that matter

Warning

2006-04-03T23:01:00.000+01:00

This caboodal is likely to suffer whilst I search for employment, whats also likely to suffer is my mental state an my liver. Now for those of you in the know both of those are questionable anyway so fingers crossed I get a job quickly.

unemployment sucks ass!

2006-04-03T17:43:00.000+01:00

bigstyle!

As I Draw The Final Curtain

2006-03-31T12:08:00.000+01:00

Its over,

I got me P45 I've backed up all my shit from my work hard drive deleted the incriminating evidence emptied my draw and am now twiddling my thumbs thinking about how now after nearly 4 years with these dumb ass mutha fuckas I no longer have to be anything like civil to the brain dead amoebas I have had the displeasure work with ever again.

The bog trotter possibly the most offensive looking person I have ever had to work with and a fucking tard at the same time.

The gremlin, a fucking freeloading conniving piece of crap I had the displeasure of line managing this fucktard for a year an' if it wasn't nailed down it was in her bag.

Right no beer stories from lastnight but I did have a Martin Luther King Moment. I dun had a dream, a dream I actually remember, the reason I remember it is cos it was kinda fucked so if any of you is into translating an analysing the mutha tell me what this means.

I was in a coffee shop in the queue about to get myself a double espresso when the girl serving who I dun know an' was very attractive asks what I want, I tell her an' then she goes oh goody an! Starts pleasuring herself on an hot water spray thing as the java drips into the cup. Now I'm reckoning this would hurt an' yes I know it would have to be a special one if she didn't do a handstand. Then as she hands me my coffee she squats over a big cup an' spurts out a perfect cappuccino as a complimentary drink asking if I want chocolate sprinkles.

So what's all that about then eh?

I'm off to the boozer I may add more later but I doubt it.

Tommy Thumb Tommy Thumb Where Are You?

2006-03-30T16:49:00.000+01:00

I've been the good father again today yummy mummies, then pub then home to watch gangster films an' slasher movies. Then it was off to the curry house and then down to shops to abuse the tramps beggars and old people. She loves teasing them with money.

I've decided to buy this to help me at my next interview,

I bought this for you cos I think you need the help an' would really suit a moustache.

This is my new friend he could kick your ass any time an' you know it!

Mind you I can kick his all day long with my hypno coin

Sally Cinnamon You Are My World

2006-03-29T15:37:00.000+01:00

AC ain't watched the DVD yet, he got pulled over by the police that night an done for drink driving, we found amusement in the potential for him being done for possesion of hardcore beastiality porn, I dun know if it's illeagal but it ain't fucking right is it.

I found this an' thought of your mum, cos she thinks tigers come from Africa too.

I was in training not so long ago, it was all about child protection. It was all about looking for the tell tale signs of abuse, a real heart warming subject don't you all agree? Well during the training we were talking about if you show a child pornography that equals abuse, an' this woman chirps up
"oh my that reminds me off a story!"
Now I can only describe this woman as really really really nice, about as nice a person you'll ever meet, well I will anyway. Shes very funny and also about the size of France, If you were to stick a balloon up her arse she would float away. All in all she is a nice person, an' she continued her story.

"A few years ago when my son was 14, and my daugters 11 and 9, we went to a car boot sale. At the car boot sale I bought some videos for 50p each. All of them came in the right cover and had the correct stickers on them but 1 of them. I asked the nice man what it was an he said he couldn't remember but that for 50p I could find out for him. Well I thought why not it couldn't be any bad, and for 50p who cares. So later that day we all went home, and a few friends came over with their children for a BBQ."
I shall add this, the fossil fuel needed to cook this BBQ is probably what put the hole in the ozone layer, she should sign up to Kyoto too.
"Well after eating it started to rain so we went inside an' I thought lets put on a video, the one without the label was first up as I wanted to solve the mystery. So my son put it in for me and we sat down to watch, as the titles and theme music came on my husband ran across the living room and turned the TV off. You see it was Deep Throat and because my husband was in the navy he new about that sort of thing."
Of course it had nothing to do with the fact that a bit of horizontal jogging with her would kill him and engineers have yet to design a bed strong enough.
The room erupted with laughter, I cringed the words deep throat coming out of her mouth should only mean how she eats a Subway. She went on explaining that this video became quite popular amongst her circle of friends and they would organise wine and cheese nights to watch it. Then she found her son was trying to find it by rummaging through her clothes, and so the destroyed it, although they did have offers of people wanting to buy it for mnre than 50p.
I was mentally scarred that day, the child abuse training was an utter waste of time, although I did pass the test the only thing I remember is that story.

There's a worm at the bottom of the garden and his name is.....

2006-03-28T14:57:00.000+01:00

OK I had a heavy weekend, by my standards it was heavy, ok take my word for it, it was heavy. Friday I was in bed by 9 as the day time drinking took its toll. Saturday I went to watch London Irish get beat by Sale for the belated Paddy's Day celebration. I lasted until about 10 then I retired hurt, it was the safest option- the black stuff did flow. Sunday well was hoping it to be a drinking session wiv my bro who is back from Iraq again, but he has caught some freaky flu shit from over there an' wasn't up to drinking too much an' cos it was mother's day we stayed at the folks for lunch.

My bro talked about his recent job in Iraq, an' how it’s now 9 times he has been an come back. He mentioned a scary thought for any Iraquie civilian which is that a certain Yankee Officer he met out there was quite open an frank about that they open fire an' ask questions later every Iraqui is potential insurgent an that’s why they carry around spare AK-47s to plant on any dead body should they ever prove to be wrong. His team lost 8 Iraqui guards last week, there pay $5 a day, there use an' purpose early warning, so they have time to get to an' man the static machine guns if an' attack comes on top.

I went out after an' met up wiv a few mates organised next weekend revelry an' generally got boozy. Highlight of the evening was possibly when Nice Guy Jon, stitched up Arrogant Cock with a dodgy pron DVD. The pron in question I have not seen and do not want to see, let's just say NGJ was in a pub up town an' in walked a Chinese dodgy DVD guy, "You wan DVD, I got filims, latest releeese filims, I got pornny I got weely sic pornny DVDs, £5 for all DVD can't be beatan!"
"How sick my good fellow?"
"Horses, goats, you name it I got it"
NGJ went for the horse, I dun know if he has any intention of watching this himself, I jus dun know. Anyway he managed to talk the DVD guy into switching the sleeves for a regular pron DVD an' everything was in place. In my local NGJ, myself an' lukey lukey knew of the ploy leave the pron on the bar an' wait for the first person to ask to borrow it. Low an' behold the first person to do so was Arrogant Cock, now dun get me wrong I like AC but he is an AC an' has pissed a few people off wiv his arrogance. Anyway he jumped at the chance
"Whose is this?"
"Mine jus' bought it off the DVD guy it's for a bloke at work if ever any pron comes up I get him some" NGJ explained.
"Can I borrow it, I'll bring it straight back tomorrow?"
"Sure crack on, I ain't gonna see him for a few days anyway so keep it for as long as you want"

So the evening progressed an' AC was getting louder an' louder about the pron, he hadn't bothered opening the seal we had managed to redo an' was bragging about the pron he watches all the time an' that he was gonna watch it tonight wiv his missus cos his missus was into it too. He eventually left to go pick her up from her mums, an' I have yet to hear of any repocussions. Thing is- AC ain't the kinda guy who likes being the butt of jokes, especially when everyone else knows all about it. I'll keep you updated.

Yesterday, I had interviews an' eventually met up with the King of Bling for drinks in his new daytime drinker. He introduced me to the finer points of daytime drinking, the drunks you meet. Characters is not a strong enough word for my experience yesterday, lets just say we moved from pub to pub quickly enough after realising the people we met were fucking off the wall. First up the 'Ol' Lush. Well although advancing in years she weren't bad looking an' pleasant enough, she was accompanied by Methadone Man. I dun know if he was on Methadone but he was a defo recovering junkie of some sort. He conversation was erratic an' to put it mildly off the beaten track.

I was sober I might add at this point an' I dun like talking to strange weirdo's when am sober, pissed up hell yeah! Sober, not on your Nelly! So I'm keeping quiet as the King is chatting to Lush, he knows her from previous meetings in his new pub. MM is butting in every now an' then going on about 15 years in Ibiza, I fuck off to the bar to chat to get some drinks in an' generally stay away from the situation. As I return Lush is saying she is going shopping an' telling MM to stay here an' wait for her an' gives him a few quid to get himself a drink whilst she is away. Now by the look of his eyes he didn't need another drink, but I wasn't getting involved.

MM continued to chat away to us I ignored him mainly until the King buggered off to the bar, then he started on me. I tried to ignore him an' eventually he got up said he was going home an' that he would see us later, I thought not! I did try to remind him off his friend an' the bags of shopping he had left but for all the shouting across the pub he wasn't listening.

"Thank fuck for that" was the Kings first words, "I was going to suggest supping up quickly an' pissing off to another pub!" I had crossed my mind, but I didn't want to be rude so I had never mentioned it. So we continued our conversation about the weekend, when the King loses his tag and possible holidays an' shit. Then Ol' Lush came back.
"Where's he gone?"
"Home, I think" I explained, "he left his bags here do know where he lives?"
"Ooh he's a bastard isn't he? An' I left him money to get a drink, he's probably gone off to buy some cheap cider, you know that White Lightning stuff?"
"Yes choice drink of the tramp an' the budget drunk!"
"His problem is he drinks on his medication" she needn't have explained, the fact we had been humming 'An' the drugs don't work' had probably been lost on both of them.

So Lush chatted for a while, asking us our next destination, hinting she would like to come with us, an' then the saving grace of it all MM popped his head back in the door, with? You guessed it just as Lush did a 3lt bottle of cheap cider. There was an argument over monies owed an' where the fuck he had been so we made our excuses an' left.

Our regular was calling!

have some can art, you get this all the time in South Africa it's what the kids used to get for presents in the townships, its now mainly tourist crap but still pretty good

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

2006-03-24T20:58:00.000Z

I dun drank too much lastnight, I dun drank too much Guinness (use your imagination)

Anyway I saw a Yankee stripper, it explained President Bush's foreign policy straight away to me, an why you all drive big cars an' shit. But he was a nice guy an' said we should keep in touch, I have his telephone number should you want it?

I didn't sleep well lastnight an' ended up watching The Boys from Brazil until 3.00am an' then awakenings until 3.15am. Needless to say I dreamt of Nazi supremists in some kinda slumber trying to take over the world by cloning Robert De Nero an' Robin Williams- Think Mrs Doutbfire, Jumanji an' Meet the Fockers mixed wiv Raging Bull. No wonder it took me until 6.00am to get to sleep.

Today I went for a few beers in the evening am now home considering my weekend an' the excesses that it may bring. I shall one day resist the love an' have a sober time but until then have a goodun' x

Mouth Ulcers

2006-03-23T12:30:00.000Z

I dun feel well again, think it could be the lack of decent food an' my excessive drinking in the last few days.

I had 3 pints of Guinness for lunch, sandwich in every glass they say.

Went on my own little pub crawl on the way home form work, then bumped into a few mates who suggested I should go clubbing with them, I declined cos I is a good boy.

More maybe later am going home now byee

Fight Music

2006-03-22T10:27:00.000Z

I had to come back to work yesterday I hate, hate, hate coming back to work after having time off. Am at work again and am utilising the internet to find another job I have 7 days working days left until I gets the boot hurrah!

edit:- I turns out I now only have 3 days left that I will be doing anywork huzzah!

Lastnight at the bar it was all fun an' games some mutha fucka who deemed himself a bad bwoy! Wouldn't leave the bar when the owner asked him to go, seems his daddy is some sort of cunt who would happily glass man woman or child if they crossed him, an' rude boy is growing up like tha apple of his eye that he is.

So I was holding tight waiting to see what the fucka would do, as were the regulars in the bar. It could have been messy, I haven't been so highly strung like that for years. But I managed to stay out of it, as the stand off kept going strongly I hovered as did a few others. But it was all mediated by my able work colleague who diffused the situation by smashing on the back of the head with a baseball bat an' we just buried him out the back with all the other fucknuts who try making trouble in my bar.

Itchy and Scratchy

2006-03-20T19:40:00.000Z

Commies bashing their sausages in the name of Communism

This is how commies get down, "woo get down commies!"

I met your Chinese Cousin I see he's over the anorexia.

He sure loves his corn

My little girl has excema I dun giv it to her cos my mum passed it down to me it's like a family heirloom, so I took her to the Docs today. He gave me some cream said if I rub it on it should clear up in a fortnight, but that he had nothing for her, we thanked him an' left.

Another day off work today, we went to the park an' the pub of course cos thats what me an my little princess do when we have time together. Then we watched the Commonwealth games, it's a sports thing that excludes Americans an' Eastern Europeans an' the Chinese. It's so other teams can win stuff too. Problem is the Aussies win everything so they is banned for the next one.

I felt like a perv watching the female gymnastics, but it doesn't matter.

for all your commie propoganda poster needs

Sweet Molly Malone

2006-03-17T09:01:00.000Z

I promise I tried to stop them getting a tattoo but they insisted

It's nice to see your Mum an Dad are still involved with the parade

Feckin Snakes

So what's it gonna be tonight dig up me ol' dead Great Granparents, call upon me dear little ol' granny to tell tales about the ol' country. Or jus' drink till the cows come home, sing Danny Boy every 5 minutes an' other songs I don't really know. One thing's for sure I won't be drinking in the Kingdom in Kilburn, that place scarred me for life the last time I was there when they started singing the Irish National anthem at closing time an' I had failed to stand up an take off me hat.

So tonight shall be in honour of the Jamesons my Grans maiden family, an' to my long departed Grandad who knocked out the Priest for calling her "a fallen woman!" for marrying an English Proddy an' being a dancer on stage.

I'll drink the odd drop of balckstuff but am watchin' me figure so I'll stick to the whiskey an' not the whisky, an' maybe fuck it all an' jus' drink Lager. Like the mongrel I am!

Enjoy

Stay At Home Dad

2006-03-16T13:52:00.000Z

I'm a stay at home dad again today, we went to the pub but it was shit. So we decided to come home an' surf for film posters. They were here.

This happened once I am sure

The Man called upon these to stop it though

This happens to me all the time
I've been to prison an' this is true
Don't expect any better tomorrow either

Busy Doing Nothing

2006-03-15T21:18:00.000Z

I dun Jacque all day day it's been great, I tihnk he wants a relationship with me, I dun think I can commit so soon.

Anyway nothing to report other than I watched some freaky assed shit last night todo with The Torture Garden, a fetish type thingy anyway this fire eating girl did what she describes as "fire in the hole!" Guess what that was? Even my eyes watered, then it was good ol' Pornweek which this week we had 2 Yanks, a Brit, a Japo girl an' a Dutchman. The Brit was supposed to star in a porno but after 40mins of felatio he still couldn't get it up. Fucking embarrassement he was, until it dawned on me he was wearing a kilt so he must be a Jock, so that explains it!

Thunder Only Happens When it.....

2006-03-14T17:09:00.000Z

Dick told me how he was gonna deal with them Iranians, I thought it was a bit extreme myself.
I spent the day meditating to take me to a higher level it was kinda boring so I gave up an' came back down.

someone told me Elmo sold out I didn't believe it until I saw this

Todays Spam for the day

Emanuel

The Only online pharmacy verified by BBB
and approved by Visa Seal of Confidence

Quality meds at quality prices, and shipping
so discrete that comes fast at your doorstep

Please give us an opportunity fo check us

http://tonya.ascamp.com/

not interested?
you can out-out at our website

24 Hour Party People

2006-03-13T12:14:00.000Z

I dun good this weekend, it's been heavy! Office closure party an shit, where I am sure I managed to behave an' not upset anyone.I hope anyway, mind you only another few weeks an I dun have to see any of the fuckers ever again. Saturday was much the same, too much drinking for my own good an' yesterday weren't much better. My liver is screaming for me too stop, but that's cos it's a pussy.

Needless to say I dun' have any funny stories of the weekend cos well frankly I dun remember them. Although I did stop a fight on Friday night, a stupid ass fucka, Boney Maronney he's so skinny he's made of macarone. Wanted to slap my boy cos he called him a junkie, fuck he was sacked for skinning up at his desk in the office. Anyhow I defused the situation, although secretly I wanted him to start sum, cos I jus' fancied kicking his ass an' popping him one the little fuckwit.

I know violence isn't the answer but sometimes you jus' wanna bit of fun, an' there ain't no more fun than controversy. Ooh hang on another of my boys took a married woman home, her hubby found out straight away an' it dun look like she is gonna be married much longer.

Am out of the office all this week cos I can, so it's daytime telly an afternoon drinking for me.

I've had a few photos emailed to me, not nice amazing what you forget. I have the first has been altered to protect the innocent. I like to think I normally carry off being pissed, these photo makes me think I'm wrong

Alfie, What's It All About

2006-03-10T12:35:00.000Z

When Black Friday comes
I'll stand down by the door
And catch the grey men when they
Dive from the fourteenth floor

I saw you out for a walk with your family today

I dun think you moms quite grabbed the idea about HNT

Jorg3 an' Kunstemæcker inspired this plus I posted the unshopped photo of George earlier

Chips Eggs an' Spam

2006-03-09T16:45:00.000Z

Am loving this they must think Peaky has a small Penls and wants it bigger, keep sending it Wyatt an you never know one day I might just reply to you or feel so insecure I want some....

Wyatt Gonzales

\n\n\n\nGet your Viag, Cial, Penls EnIargement all legal and take the advantages of \n\n - Secure transactions\n - Fast and discreet shlping\n - Friendly custommer suport\n - Absolute confidentiality\n - 100% customer satisfaction\n\n\nOur phartmacy is LICENSED, verified by BBB and approved by VISA!\nCIlck here and make sure!\n\n\n\nEndeavor Societies addition Christian pledge following special ways they forward ever held before member For sake character future success well supreme cause keep pledge unflinchingly Endeavor persistently but courteously seek after ask our prayers advice meeting Never discontinue endeavors get new Follow continually name Lord day think speak act pray Savior present plans effective Build standard noble living Send comforting messages sorrow flowers sick funeral after an orphans visit widows to fatherless write letters a invitation condolence the establish missions new es growing parts city hold kindness least thousand personal friends Baptist Select leading duty follow waiting asked Make yourself master some line Christian effort Save Five these ago started Logan suburb Philadelphia successful was their soon grew flourishing Ushers strongest helpful organizations furthering ushers twenty-four banded together businesslike mutual pleasure good fellowship also better conduct interests they hand They under leader",1]
);
//-->
Get your Viag, Cial, Penls EnIargement all legal and take the advantages of
- Secure transactions
- Fast and discreet shlping
- Friendly custommer suport
- Absolute confidentiality
- 100% customer satisfaction
Our phartmacy is LICENSED, verified by BBB and approved by VISA!CIlck here and make sure!

Can't Hurry Love

2006-03-09T15:02:00.000Z

Picked the little madam up from nursery school again today, thats her school photo. She's been ordering me about again as usual. I had to go to the Inland Revenue this morning to make sure I'm set up correctly for self employment, fuck me the bloke was a boring twunt who helped me. We was going on about how income tax was invented, I could tell it wasn't the first time he had tol' anyone that story. It was someink to do with paying for the war 200 years ago, very exciting.

Lastnight was a quiet affair, so no reports am afraid. Although I bumped into 2 of my ol' soccer team at 4.00pm an' they was bang on the charlie like Kate Moss. A fucking Wednesday afternoon for fucks sake lads!

Well am back off to the parental responsibilities, enjoy!

Take On Me

2006-03-08T12:32:00.000Z

We all know you wants a bigger Pen1s, thats why am sharing my latest bit of span mutha fucka bullshit witcha!

Finally the real thing - no more tip-offs! Enhancment Patches are hot right now, VERY hot! Unfortunately, most are cheap imitiations and do very little to increase your size and stamina. Well this is the real thing, not an imitation! One of the very originals, the absolutely strongest Patch available, anywhere!A top team of British scientists and medical doctors have worked to develop the state-of-the-art Pen1s Enlargment Patch delivery system which automatically increases pen1s size up to 3-4 full inches. The patches are the easiest and most effective way to increase your size. You won't have to take pills, get under the knife to perform expensive and very painful surgery, use any pumps or other devices. No one will ever find out that you are using our product. Just apply one patch on your body and wear it for 3 days and you will start noticing dramatic results.Millions of men are taking advantage of this revolutionary new product - Don't be left behind!As an added incentive, they are offering huge discount specials right now, check out the site to see for yourself!Here's the link to check out!

I would jus like to point out that Peaky don endorse this product or link Umkay!
But I dus like the idea it's Brit scientists who have come up wiv this crap, come on everyone knows Brit scientists are kooky an' are too intrested in shit like making the perfect sandwich an' whats the optimum temperature an altitude to make a cup of cha!

OK so lastnight I managed to keep my mouth shut when Barca won, an Smarty I'd say Barca has the best kit but Ronaldinho has a face only his mutha could lurve.

It was busy, we kicked out a couple of drunken bums cos they was making the place look bad. I was itching for some trouble but they eventually left without any further incident but am sure the bloke, a fuckin lawyer for Gods sake, was itching for trouble too. Perhaps he was hoping for some legal action as opposed to a kick in the box.

Am now off to pimp my ass around some employment agencies, an' then maybe an ickle drink or 2. So I leave you with some crushed asian they found in Easter Island. Easter Island is full of people with stuff on their foreheads an' they is all fat cos of all the choccie eggs. Christmas Island is full of fat bastards with white beards drinking Coke trying to get giggy wiv elfs an' shit. North Pole my ass we all know where santa lives its just off the equator in the Pacific.

Oh I took this piccie slightly enebriated lastnight when I got in, he was sat on my drive, hes my friend

Mamma Said Knock You Out

2006-03-07T16:01:00.000Z

Another eventful day at work for me, whoa there missus excitement central is where I is at. There is some freak at work who sits about 15 feet away from my desk, she has RSI means she can’t type or move her mouse an’ shit. Now ok I can well imagine it’s a serious shit issue for her I’ve seen her do the stupid ass exercises her physio has obviously tol’ her to do, but now she has dragon software.

This speech recognition mofo, it’s all “Left click, right click, text field, enter” It’s doing my fucking head in, I would hate to sit any closer I would possibly be in breach of various codes of conduct by now.

She brought in some free trade chocolate today cos she’s all charitable an’ shit fuck me that stuff was awful I needed to wash my mouth out with bleach to get the crappy taste out of my mouth.

Tonight am in the bar again, and we are likely to be busy cos of the Barcelona vs Chelsea champions league game, I shall be trying my best not to cheer on too much for Barca as the bar is full of Chelsea scum but you never know. I hope casualty isn’t too busy tonight jus’ in case.

I found some pictures of some fucked cartoon I watched as a kid

Rudi, A Message To You

2006-03-06T13:57:00.000Z

Stop your messin' around

Better think of your future

Time is straighing right out

Creatin' problems in town

I was a goodboy all weekend, spent it wiv the children during the day an' drank enough myself to oblivion only on 2 of the nights them being Friday an' Saturday night.

Took the kids to a small airstrip jus' round the corner from home to see planes take off an land, then down to the river an a marina to look at yachts am gonna buy when I finds my lucky lickle lephrauchan. Then we went to feed the ducks an swans before we are all banned from such activities cos of the H5N1 bird cold shit. Nearly knocked a few over when driving out of the car park cos some cocksucker was feeding them right in the car park fucking dinlo.

So lastnight I popped up the Wheatsheaf as a reward for being such a good parent. I had attempted to teach the 2 year old to ride a bike but she is to lazy like her daddy an just wanted to be pushed around rather than do the leg work herself. I saw the King of Bling an Geordie Si, the first time I met Geordie Si he wanted to go into business with me to set up a swingers website, his wife an mine scuttled the idea. He's got a name for infedelity an' well mine jus' dun trust me.

We tried to tempt the devil himself by talking the King of Bling into staying past his curfew. He declined, 'parrently he's got quite into night time telly since his new tag. We explained that he's been pussywhipped by the man an' he should fight for his rights against the facist regime, he disagreed.

So it was left to me an Geordie Si to whittle away the night. He asked Peaky for some help in a little matter of a cage fighter likely wanting to kill one of his mates when the affair he is having with the cagefighters girlfriend becomes public knowledge. I declined, I also suggested he stop drinking with this mate jus' incase it becomes knowledge sooner than later.

My bro has gone back to Iraq for 8 weeks, didn't get to go for a drink before which is a shame, an he'll miss the Paddies Day celebration rugby match with the Pogues, I had jus' booked the tickets for. 20 mins in a fucking queue listening to some fucking whiney ass womam telling me they where expeirencing a busy period an tha' I could try www.london-irish.com yes I could but I dun want to cos I got a secret code to give an' get a discount for. Am a tight bastard like that.

Return to Sender

2006-03-03T11:54:00.000Z

My daddy was a bankrobber

But he never hurt nobody

He just loved to live that way

And he loved to steal your money

I dun have any motivation today, am sorry! Got a icky stomach ate too much of this pasta shit served to me by a friend, on top of a belly full of beer I yacked prettymuch straight away an I still dun feel good, plus am at work which is never a good thing.

It must be muthas day at work or something cos all the proud ass mommas who is on maternity have been bringing in their babies to show off- (okay I constantly post piccies of my kids on here but that’s just to break up the usual shit that goes on here & they are fucking beautiful) These woman's babies dun look nice and are screaming in the vicinity of my office space as they get thrown from 1 broody bitch to the other. The point that I wouldn't trust some of the bigger ones to not eat them is also a major concern. I need to leave the office now an drink before more of the poor ickle bastards get brought in.

oh its your momma again

Update on the proud moms, one of them is a fat bitch, sorry there is no other way of describing the woman, she is the type that will wait 10 mins for the lift just to go one floor. See below for a picture of her in the nude. Anyway as I walked out of the office to go for my lunchtime drink she was close to the door and breatfeeding her whiny kid. I have nothing against breastfeeding have nothing against breastfeeding in public, but when you is a fuckin' heffa please don' do it in my office you fat biatch!

The Art of Good Parental Skills

2006-03-02T13:49:00.000Z

nother day at home wiv the children, picked the youngest up from nursery school an' checked out the moms nothing doing it was all grannies cos their moms is all working moms. Nevermind try out the playpark still nothing there.

So lastnight I tried getting a labouring job, talked to 3 guys an' cos they is all friends my kids won't go without whilst am looking for another job, I might jus' have to fuckin work for a livin' though an' the idea don't fill me up buttercup ya get me star?

Saw the king of bling with his new tag, he tol' me about how he forgot he can't go to far from his house at night otherwise the man calls him up an he get introuble. He also tol me that when him an the Queen was getting down an' dirty with one another in bed, her leg was putting pressure on his tag an the alarm kept going off- frisky biatch the Queen by the sounds of it. But too much woman for me to handle, am shocked he can too him being 8stone soaking wet.

Gonna take little un out now on a pub crawl, an' show them slutty barmaids my parental skills big time, you know they love it.

China Girl

2006-03-01T13:51:00.000Z

Jus' a quicky am off work again, as much as the lure of daytime television has I must get my CV an shit done.

So lastnight we had a quite one in the bar again, I had my usual few beers, then we set about watching telly. Well we found a corker again it was fucking hilarious, okay there was plenty of titties bouncing around too. It's called pornweek an' its on Bravo at 11.00pm on Tuesdays. I am telling you it was outstanding. The shows concept is these blokes 2 twentysomething wannabe Chav wideboys an' a 40-50's bearded perv have coughed up the readies to go on holiday to prague on a pornweek an' get to see the filming of porno's take photo's of the pronstars. I think they can even get involved and direct their own pornos.

The best bits apart from watching girls heads bounce up an down over blurred censored images, was one of the Chavs picking up an sniffing the girls knickers only to be proud as punch at the idea this was going to broadcast on telly, going "Oh yeah she smells so sexy!" Then another time was when the other Chav gets up close to one of the girls in an she grabs his crotch only to start feeling around for it saying "where is it?" Heran off all sheepess an shit sulking for the rest of the day.

You should watch it's glorious tv but if you wanna go visit here for details

Nightclubbing we're nightclubbing

We're walking through town

Nightclubbing we're nightclubbing

We walk like a ghost

We learn dances brand new dances

Like the nuclear bomb

When we're nightclubbing

Bright white clubbing

Oh isn't it wild...

I'm a winner you can be too

2006-02-28T15:16:00.000Z

EQUITY TRUST LOTTERY AGENCY <equitytrustlott@netscape.net>
PRIZE RELEASE INFORMATIONFINAL NOTICE EMAIL LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES(ACCREDITED LICENSED AGENT MR.FRANK MORGAN EQUITY TRUST LOTTERY AGENCY)Ref. Number:2-3-54-7320-3-0 Batch Number:1-33-96-GF 99
Sir/Madam
We are pleased to inform you about the result of the Equity Trust Lottery Winners International programs held on Tuesday the 28th of Feb, 2006. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number KD16-3-44-27-71-88-77 with serial number DC 44-6-31-90-6 drew lucky numbers 81-5-2-19-30-67 which consequently won in the 1st category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of US$ 1000,000.00 (One Million United States Dollars)
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Due to the mix up of some numbers and name's we ask that you keep your winning information confidential until your claims has been processed and your money Remitted to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 25,000 company and 40,000,000 individual email addresses and names from all over the world. This promotional program takes place every three years. This lottery, was promoted by the software corporation and president of e-lottery/Equity to compensate some few individuals with website and email addresses, we hope that with part of your winning you will take part in our next year 50 million international lottery.
To file for your claim, pleasecontact our FIDUCIAL AGENT:MR. FRANK MORGAN OF EQUITY TRUST LOTTERY AGENCY.TEL: +34-666-947-509FAX:+34-911-311-890Email: equitylotto@netscape.net
Remember, all winning must be claimed not later than 15th of March, 2006. After this date all unclaimed funds will be included in the next stake. Please note in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications please remember to quote your reference number and batch numbers in all Correspondence. Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible. Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for being part of our promotional program.Note: Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically disqualified.
Sincerely,Mrs.Vanessa Thomas.(LotteryCoordinator)
N.BTo file for your claim, please contact our FIDUCIAL AGENT:MR. FRANK MORGAN OF EQUITY TRUST LOTTERY AGENCY.TEL: +34-666-947-509FAX:+34-911-311-890Email: equitylotto@netscape.net

Culture Vulture an' Davids Dick

2006-02-28T13:07:00.000Z

I took the day off an’ went for a spot of culture time, bit of fun, bit of edumacating myself, bit of silly childishness all good fun in the name of relaxation and rehabilitation.

I learnt a few things on the way to the museums, I have always wanted to do stuff on the tube, but never dun them, stuff like rolling stuff down the metal slope bit on the escalators. I chose a penny; needless to say they roll pretty good on their edges, fucking fast and when they hit a bump they take off and bounce almost taking some poor blokes head off at the bottom. I dun know where the penny ended up, but I do know that my friend nearly wet herself on the escalator and I dun think the sheepish smile an butter wouldn’t melt eyes worked, when the spectators to the incident looked on with “Fucking idiot!” in their minds. There’s no where to hide on an escalator when you been a naughty boy.

So the V&A Victoria and Albert Museum, pretty good it’s big has lots of shit to look at. All of it pretty amazing really if you like that kinda thing, but I found quite a lot of it pretty boring I have the attention span of a small child. In the sculptures bit we saw a replica of Michelangelo’s David pretty good the detail on his hands fucking awesome but his winky is tiny. If I was David I would be asking for a redo, I bet it dun his prospects wiv tha ladies no good whatsoever. As we looked at more of Michelangelo’s work it appeared he had an obsession wiv small winkys and big hands. This started a theme for the day tinky winkys. We noticed that quite a few of the statues had tinky winkys and this could be a reason for the downfall of the Roman an Italian empires, they all had tinky winkys and their opponents knew this cos they kept making statues of each other in the buff.

The statues of women all had odd shaped boobies I noticed and they weren’t as keen on sculpting the foof compared to the winky. Yes am puerile and you should have some decorum in museums but there weren’t no kids about so pointing at winkys and boobs is ok an we discussed the shit about how impressive the detail was on some of em, albeit they was tiny.

After a couple of beers at lunch time, of we went to the Natural history museum, a lot of fun for me. We saw the dinosaurs and read some crap about them all I met your momma she was the main display you must be so proud. Where’s the world without a few momma jokes eh?

Then we saw all the stuffed animals in the museum an’ of course discussed at great length the size of various animals winkys compared to David’s. This I dun think went down too well with the German tourists with their kids, just as naming the dinosaurs Tyrano sore arse etc…. went down well with the French.

In the mammals bit I found out an African elephant ways 44 times more heavy than me, I played on all the display thingies an then we found an exhibition on the human body which had more things for children like me to play on, of course the stuff on recreation brought more chuckles. Whoever designed the models of the men an women went for more realistic winkies and lets just say the woman didn’t have a Brazilian.

So before getting chucked out, the place was closing we went off to the boozer where I decided to get wankered on Efes, this is beginning to become my weapon of choice nowadays an’ with my little twist of pint glass an’ ice. If its good enough for Withnail an’ his cider it’s good enough for me.

I did my usual of falling asleep on the train, but thankfully I had someone with me to make sure I got off at my stop. But all in all a good day out, jus’ a shame I have to work today. But am off for the next 2 days will decide what to do on those days.

Boingboing have something about David’s Dick too, but theirs is intellectual an shit not like mine

Ta ta 4 now

R N R Mutha Fucka!

2006-02-27T23:11:00.000Z

I took the kids out at the weekend, I'll tell you about it sometime!

Okay I'll tell you about it now. Little Angels, ball pits, fuzzy world Jesus what I would do to own one of these places. I went with the kids, other people go with there kids, I am sure other people go there to hook up. Peaky is gonna go there in future to hook up.

I want one myself cos I know once a I've got a few beers inside of me I wanna throw myself down them slides, up them monkey ladders, through them tubes. I defo saw the yummy mummys doing that shit, and I defo saw the yummy mummys checking out my parental skills. We all know parental skills means getting on don't we?

My fave bit about the day though was watching the over zealous weekend dads, trying to prove they is good dads, trying to prove they cares by paying the £5 so they can chase their brats about. I dunno maybe they was trying to woo some ladies by showing their parental skills. I get the feeling they all got carried away.

Yummy mummies, I jus' love it when you bend over an' crawl through those hoops, please do it more often. It's natural selection cos the big girls they can't get through those big hoops an shit so it's only the goods ones who get on their hands an knees.

I'll be there next week hopefully with photographic evidence, who'se gonna pay my bail?

Down In The Tubestation At Midnight!

2006-02-24T13:01:00.000Z

Bling bling

Everytime I come around yo city

Bling bling

Pinky ring worth about fifty

Bling bling

Everytime I buy a new ride

Bling bling

Lorenzos on yokahama tires

Bling bling

My boy got himself a new tag an a new bracelet he is the king of bling for real now. Only problem with being the new king of bling is his official state requirements. He has to be home by 9 each night to take a phonecall from the Man.

CSF, Community Service Felon, is my boy, thing his he don’t go to his river bank cleaning and shit, he gets up late, misses trains, buses and stuff cos he been drinking the night before. Now lets get this one thing straight I’m not to blame, I dun always drink with him, I try to keep my drinking buddies vast and varied it makes for a more expansive discussion group an entertaining experience. Knowledge is power, Ho taught me that, but for me it’s all about the experience an of course the entertainment and possibly the drink.

I can go to these fountains of entertainment and knowledge without drinking, I jus choose not to. If I wanted to I could, but I choose to use my democratic right as an adult to drink alcohol when I want to. I don’t live under Shariah law, that’s why women are entitled to walk around dressed how they wish, even the bigger and not so nice ones can dress in that skanky short skirt and cropped boob tube thing showing me your dirty rolls, sexy stretch marks and those oh so lurvely blotchy dimpled legs of yours. I respect your right to do that, but you must respect my right to get out of my face jus’ to think about talking to you let alone imagine sleeping with you, so get out of my dreams you fuck!

I digress an’ I’m truly sorry for that, I was talking ‘bout my boy the King of Bling formerly known as the pissartist CSF. He’s got himself all sat-naved up; amazing what they can do nowadays I thought it was just for cars. It looks okay I suppose bit functional for my liking no real show of bits on it, that’s possibly why he wears it on his ankle. I don’t know how much it cost him but I reckon it must have been a few quid, so maybe this being in at 9 each night is a good thing cos he hasn’t got the money to piss against the wall now having paid for that.

He told me that something happens if he ain’t at home for these phone calls at 9, I want to see what it is, he just said it would mean he would be in a whole hell of fun. I’m thinking like in the running man when the Governor of Cali escapes from the prison but someone else tries an hasn’t removed the snazzy necklace and his head explodes as soon as he gets outside the perimeter. It has to be something like that, cos the last time I saw someone wearing one of these, they stormed out the pub even when I offered them a drink.

Maybe it’s like the thing the doctor uses on you at medicals to check your blood pressure but it just keeps inflating until you get back home, man that would hurt like fuck! I dun know, all I do know is that I don’t think I’ll be entertaining the King of Bling for quite some time, him having his official states duties an’ shit now. Never mind I dun like the aristocracy much anyhow.

Baby Got Back

2006-02-23T14:25:00.000Z

Until the sky turns green

And the grass is several shades of blue

Every member of parliament trips on glue

I see your parents marching band are in the news again, thats nice!

It's proven, the best way to beat the bird flu is to weat a crash helmet an' sandals

It's all about the jpegs today, just had a curry for lunch an' am trying to stay awake now. Curry lunches are underrated I think you should all have one tomorrow, an sleep the afternoon off. If ya boss says something tell them to fuck off from me.

Some fuck at work was complaining about being cold in the office, another was complaining about being hot, put a jumper on or take some clothes off its fucking easy just dun complain about it to me. There was a good comeback from a colleague when the cold one said someink about goosebumps and chicken skin:-

"You ain't gonna catch bird flu, are you? Now fuck off and leave me alone!"

I like that shit, I like that level of hating and obsenity in an office makes me feel wanted!

However I have now got Beep by the pussyfucking cat dolls in my head cos of the fucking radio and am hating again, hating things, hating people hating everything I need somethink to take my mind off.

When The Sun Goes Down

2006-02-23T00:03:00.000Z

Yep! It was me, I was the guy who clapped when that spanish plyer got sent off for Chelsea, I was the guy who sat there with his head in his hands when Motta scored the own goal. I too was the guy who jumped up arms pumping when Terry scored the own goal an then when Eto scored the winner! I was also the guy who realised that I was on a hiding to nothing an' left early before you could come an' kick my ass! I got the point, I got the message! It was when the whole pub stayed silent after the Barca goal, okay I defended my point of view, I took bets gave you odds, bets I may never ever call in, but I had faith, you had faith, it's jus' well yours was misplaced!

Yep I'm a traitor, I supported the other team/country! I admit it, I'm a traitor to the English/Chelsea/Jose/Roman cause! Am sorry! I mean it, truly I do, look I never support other English teams, but this time I had a reason, Barca are the bomb! They is the best team you will ever see play the game of footie and frankly should be heralded for it. Yes Messi is a cunt for diving but come on Del Horno deserved to go for challenges before the roll around!

Right I went to the pub, no change there then. I watched the footie(soccer) I watched what has been built up as the game of the year, between an English team an' a Spanish team. I watched it as a Barca fan, I watched it as a fan for footie(soccer) I won so there!

Okay the fact the pub went deathly silence an' I got the evils from the big scary Chelsea fans meant I dun run away. But the I can't believe I was the only one tonight hoping an praying for Barca win, you is all pussies if that is the case.

I will post more tomorrow, something more international perhaps? I jus needed to get it off my chest anyway visit superbadass it's the dog's biscuits, the dog's bollocks, the dogs danglies, it's jus a shame ol' Obi Wan can't say so either!

Summer Of 69 For Bryan Fatrobot Adams

2006-02-22T15:38:00.000Z

The Bars called Archees you can catch me there every Tuesday keeping the customers away with drunken leers.

We dun realy sell real beer we sell lager, in session premium an headfuck quality

Fosters, Grolsch, Kronenburg 1664, Stella Artois and Dortmunder on tap we also do John Smiths which is cack! Strongbow an Guinness.

On bottle we do

Sol, Coroner, Bud, Peroni, Holsten Pils, Michelob all the alcopops under the sun and some half decent wines.

We keep the prices up to keep the scum out an me in beer.

My football club, the one I own is having a Bryan Adams concert in the summer you can go if you want am not

Jolene, Jolene , Jolene, Joooolene

2006-02-22T13:28:00.000Z

Am of work today, not feeling very well. I have a fever if anyone asks, but the truth is I fancied a day off to watch MTV and all those great musak channels on my telly. Watching black bubble butts bounce up an down next to some Rapper pointing to the fact he has such poor dental hygene that he had his teetch replaced by diamonds and shit. Then as you flick through the channels you get carbon copy blonds soaping themselves massaging their bodies whilst pouting into the camera. I resisted the temptation further and got up, I got fed up of flicking from one shite track to another only to be interupted by dial a loan adverts, and mobile ringtone adverts. Got yourself in bad mutha fucking debt can't get credit to get yourself to get the next fucking annoying ring tone call us and we'll break ya fucking legs if you miss a payment.

Happy Birthday to Dolly, if she had lived she would have been 9 sadly she died 3 years ago. Never mind she was succulent and tender the redcurrant jelly really brought out her deep flavour.

So lastnight at the bar, dead! Absolutley dead! Now I quiet like it that way when I'm working but serving one's and two's ain't good. So who came in, well we had an early episode with a distraught and emotional MILF. MILF is possibly generous on my behalf am giving her the benefit of the doubt, she looked like she had, had a bad day possibly a row with hubby or boyfriend. Opened a tab got the attention of the 3 blokes drinking in the corner all her age mid 40's. This gave my co-worker and me a world of fun, we were trying to gues her age what had happened that sort of thing. I reckoned mid 40s she reckoned mid 30s but had, had a hard life. See I'm not the real bitch here now am I. Anyway younger husband came in paid off the tab and took her home, this meant my entertainment was at a minimum. Fuck!

Then the 3 ol soaks left and it was me and CW alone a bar full of booze footie on telly and a packet of smokes, CW has recently given up so I smoked for two it's only polite that way ain't it?

A very polite and apolgetic Aruban came in, I have no idea where he was from but I'm thinking the West Indies somewhere and Aruba sounds cool. He called me sir and boss a few times apologised for making me get up from my drinking stool. We contemplated eating him, we had decided that there had been an atomic explosion and we were the only survivors left and as the food in the kitchen wouldn't last long and the fish in the fishtank to pretty to eat, he was our only choice. He must have heard us as he left not long after that conversation.

So that was that until, CW flicked the remote to Channel 4 and what I can only describe as the ultimate car crash telly. I don't watch an awful lot of telly an especially not reality TV but fuck me I'll be watching this again. It's a series on 3 smackheads trying to come off da brown, you saw them jack up, you saw em looking more stoned than an adultress in Kabul. Then we got some doctor telling us about the detox cold turkey program they were on, then the real nasty part the bloke spewing bright green puke as 3 nurses tried to bring him out of his fever.

In my day we had the Just Say No song from Zammo and the Grangehill Massive, if this don't put people of drugs I don't know what will. The only bit that ruined it was when they tried to imply that one of the nurses had fallen in love with the puking smackhead and that love was in the air. But I shall return to watch further, apparently there is one on a binge drinking mother and daughter tonight. I'll probably miss that cos I'll be in the pub but if anyone can record it for me it'll be very much appreciated.

I'm sat here waiting for a phonecall from my GP bout the results of a face X-ray, I called this morning to ask what was going the fuck on and the nosy receptionist biatch said "ooh the doctor wants to speak to you about it!" Am intrigued now, are they going to say "Boy you sure got a brock nose, you're gonna need that drilling!" Or just tell me to fuck off and to stop wasting their valuable time, if so I am gonna have to come up with another illness to make sure I get my moneys worth!

Happy Birthday Mr President

2006-02-21T12:15:00.000Z

Happy Birthday to you indeed, whilst you and yours eat roast something or other drink Champagne smoke cuban cigars, and burn your piles of worthless Zims, your people starve. Happy birthday Robert your a gentleman an a scholar, true to the Marxist doctrine you follow your wife will be buying you some nice trinkets for the retirement mansion you are having built. Happy birthday to The Communist Manifesto, Karl your ickle pamphlet sure caused a stir.

Okay thats my pontificating over, bit controversial next I'll be calling on Blair and Bush to invade Zimbabwe to dispose the despot! But they've got too much ***** on their hands at the moment, you can insert your own words in the stars if you wish. I do like Robs tash though how about you?

Back to the crap

Lastnight I got the call, your wanted, needed! I'm in a pool team, I had a pretty good record up till recently hadn't lost a match. As soon as I lost a match I through my teddies out the pram and said nope no more for me! Damn fuckers and haters, the understanding was I shouldn't have to play when I don' feel like it. Am a prima donna I only go for the booze and the laugh if I feel like playing I play if I don', I don' simple. Players have been dropping like flys, we don' have that many who can drive or own cars out of the team 2 are on bans 3 don' have that little bit of paper that says you can drive but do. I can but don't own no car and with a blood alcohol level I like to keep above 40% it ain't a good idea anyway.

I knew I'd get the call, certain peeps wanted out! I went, I like drinking in no places, I like seeing those toilets that are around that make you appreciate your local more. It's like when you go on holiday an' stuff you like it there but you couldn't live in that 3rd world shit hole.

We arrived late, we had gone to the wrong pub first of all, wrong fucking town even. We enter to piss take from our hosts, I fucking just lurve that. I'm the fucking wit I dun need some nightbreed inbred taking the piss out of me. They normally only come out night but is their natural habitat. Ok we normally end up in ropey dives inhabited by freaks every time we play away. I like it, it makes me feel better about myself, and to be fair this lot weren't as bad as previous nights.

We lost the first 2 games by default cos we was late, great! Then we won one, lost one and it was my turn. As soon as I saw my competitor I knew I had lost. I'm normally confident in my limited ability, my skill lies in the beer and confidence. I saw the look in his alabaster white face, he hadn't seen the light of the sun in a good few years. He had graduated from the streets, he had spent nights behind bolted shut green doors, with a little flap for the screw to peer at you. His rather fetching ankle bracelet showed me he didn't have time to fuck about either.

My little merry band has it's fairshare of jail birds 3 out of 6 to precise in fact 50%. This has helped in securing our position in the league in the top 3. If there is one thing nick does for you is it gets you used to playing pool, or so I have been told anyway. "I've lost I know it the pressure is one you!" I quipped to our own little community service felon. CSF quipped back "fook off, you've got to win cos we have to win the rest of matches after that, an am no fookin good am I" He has such as way with words, its the Lancashire grit he was mouled from. I like him, he's a funny little fucker, balding had more teeth kicked out than he has left but a liabilty to himself. Oh and very, very liberal with the truth. I like liars if you know they are liars you know where you stand with them straight away.

I lost, only just mind you but I lost, I fouled with the black insight and efficently swept me to one side. We shook hands I overed the congratulatory drink he declined and left the pub. Well it saved me a couple of quid, so I couldn't give a shit. CSF lost his match in similar vain, you see he hasn't had the daily practice and although it was close he lost. We won the rest but the result hadn't mattered we were now subject to the taunting and crap that comes being beaten in someone elses yard. With puffed out chests they tried the humour again, fuck off! Look at least have the dignity of your mate with the tag. Am a bad loser!

So we left, a few jokes a few handshakes C U Next Time kinda shit, look am sorry I'm such a bad loser it's just that I am. We headed back to the salvation, open arms and warm breast of our pub. To put up with our own nightbreeds, to talk bollocks, rip the piss, back stab, drink, crack anecdotes the usual shit you do in the comfort of your own home. And tonight I'm on the otherside again, the congenial host and caring barman, the man you can tell anything and hey it won't go any further, that me.

Love will tear us apart

2006-02-20T11:56:00.000Z

I woke up this morning in the spare room, the room my kids stay in when they stay over. Not a good start to the week, not the best end to the weekend either. I have a love hate relationship with alcohol it's fair to say. I love it and by the way it treats me, it's obvious it's a one way relationship. The sort that makes you grow bitter and sour, like a stalker that kidnaps the object of desire when all attempts have been rebuffed.

I've had it under control recently, I haven't had a lecture from my parents, a lecture from the girlfriend or from friends. Okay I am no longer with the girlfriend but I have been on a trial seperation from alcohol. We hooked up on Tuesday, Wednesday then Thursday I even arranged a date on Friday, but I wanted to be on my own this weekend. But like the tempting whore she is, alcohol had other ideas and organised for my brother to pop round. We went for a few with my dad and talked the usual shit. My dad is a binge drinker, it's the best description I can think of for him. Personally I like to the think of the proverb moral tale shit thing from the film Colors Duvalls character says to Penn "There's two bulls standing on top of a mountain. The younger one says to the older one: "Hey pop, let's say we run down there and fuck one of them cows". The older one says: "No son. Lets walk down and fuck 'em all". I'm a grazer I'm the white rhino of drinking, I want to drink it all!

6 pints in just over an hour and a half, isn't my style and it ain't my bro's style either. I understand why my dad does it, he has my mom to answer to. Normally on these father sons drinking sessions we go to my parents house later for something to eat and my daddy gets it in the neck cos we've talked him into staying an extra hour or so. This time however was different bro hasn't been drinking for quite a while, it's kinda difficult in Iraq and his company frown upon getting lashed up, it's kinda dangerous. And since a colleague wrote of an armoured Mercedes drink driving in downtown Baghdad belonging to the US governemt it's even worse. The 6 pints rendered him incapcitated for a few hours, and I had to clean up his breakfast from the rim of my parents toilet. Brotherly love and all that!

We talked the normal shit, what its like in Iraq, what other jobs he has in the pipeline, Afghanistan if you're asking! A debt collection business is in the offing, after May too. This intrests my dad greatly, he don't like his son being in Iraq and he don't like me being out of work. Bro has met a gazillionaire or something and wants my bro to look after a business he has just bought. He likes bro for some reason, which is beyond me, but this is it, we are both looking for work and I could do with a gazillionaire liking me, specially one who has been asked to join the board of my football team free tickets here we come.

Debt collection, conjures up all sorts of freaky shit don't it? Knocking peoples doors down and collecting their sofas and shit cos they can't pay for their credit card bills. Well it won't be that side it's business to business debt, so it'll be knocking down peoples office doors and nicking their computers. Well thats what he told us, and of course the I believe him. Daddy thinks it's a good idea as long as the money is good and he should give me a job too. "He is the most devious little cunt, you will ever meet! He would be ideal." Thanks for the reference dad, love you too! "No what I mean is, if you are investigating slipperly bastards Peaky is your man! You are the closest personality to mine out of all 3 of my sons, and being a sneaky bastard is a good trait." "Sorry my heart isn't filled pride here dad, and you ain't putting no lump in my throat with that endorsement, those tears aren't feel good tears like a Disney movie."

We changed the subject to the guy who got blown up on my bro's watch. "It weren't on my watch I told the fucking idiot not to go!" Bit touchy about the subject, you see. "But it don't look good on your CV though do it?" Apparently it looks fuck A on the CV, and now bro has a point of reference when telling delegates what to do. "Listen to me or you will get blown up, just like Bob Woodruff so don't fucking mess, Ok?" It was classic patriot games style ambush, take out the first vechile in the convoy then take out the rear which creates a killing zone. See how easy terrorism is, just watch crappy hollywood movies and play the ol' PS2 and you are away. Bro had told him it was stupid, the guy had gone on a routine transport supply convoy from the Base to the airport. It gets hit about 25 times a week, most times it goes by."If you want to go make sure you don't go in the front or back vechiles!" Solid advice, again I've watched enough movies to ascertain that the worst place to be is in the front or back, Predator is one of many references to this.

"It's not a fucking movie, Peaky!"

"I know I was just saying"

So Mr ABC doesn't take this advise and gets his ass blown up. Not enough Hollywood for him, not enough video/DVD blockbuster babysitting. That kinda education is what gets you by, shit I would know what to do if I got stranded on a desert island. Get your self a volley ball paint a face on it an' you can survive. It's true!

If I was an insurgent, it would be like a computer game you got to reserve your strength for the final assaulton the big boss. You can't use your special weapon until you got the fucker in your sights. It ain't like the A-Team or Commando when you got unlimited bullets and bombs and shit. You've got the one RPG and you need to make sure the fucker counts, you make sure you get the best result, top exposure. Top exposure for me Journalist, the more journos you get the better. Bro and Daddy didn't agree, "You want someone to report the carnage." I understand the reasoning behind that, "but thats why you don't shoot the cameraman. He'll get the footage, then his network will do a tribute to the special reporter who died, then they will show the family left behind by the horrible carnage in the warzone. Which winds up public emotion yada, yada, yada,

"That's why you are a devious cunt!"

"Thanks Dad"

Bukkake Karaoke

2006-02-17T11:27:00.000Z

Fatal mistake lastnight I had a couple of beers afterwork I like drinking and a couple is never enough for me I got annihilated. The people I was with left me at 7.30 I needed to wait 30 mins for my train. One more for the road, then I'll go home, after grabbing a couple of tinnies for the trip home I called a friend and organised to meet him for a beer near home. See am not that much of an alcoholic I normally drink with others, apart from when I'm on the train.

The point is I knew this pub would have karaoke, I knew that the pub would be full of wannabe pop idols singing Don Mclean and Celine Dion, Elton John and Irish folk songs but I still went. I even arranged to meet there, is it the lecherous pervert in me who wanted to stare at the little girls parading up and down like Christina and Britney. I am not alone in my guilt my mate turned up and dutifully sat with me drinking and criticising the efforts like Simon Cowell and the smug Irish cunt he argues with, we needed a Sharon, we needed a Chico we needed another beer.

We got another beer moved closer to the action, and as jail bait 1 finished her rendition of "I will always love you" waited for Kevin the builder to finish his performance of "Mr Brightside" strictly dissapointing. Then we had not quite jail bait A blast through "Wind Beneath My Wings" this upset jail bait 1 and jail bait 2. They had been outdone, "I'm not having that biatch out do me, we're the only divas in this pub, not her, she's probably in her 20's or something she's past it!" I couldn't hear that I admit, but I bet they thought it, it was Karaoke war, table versus table and the other singers mearly civilians and collateral victims that couldn't be helped. It was smart bomb phospherous hell from now on.

I got the drinks in, this was gonna be a long night, a visual masterclass in amateur operatics. The first casualty was the obligatory American Pie, by Fat Geordie landlord, my mate cracked the obligatory day the music died joke. Actually I'm telling porkies it was me who cracked the pun, he burned me with cigarettes for the rest of the song for that one. But Fat Geordie was shite, only he wasn't going to be bettered by Gary the windowcleaner. His delayed entrance from the mens toilets had the crowd waiting with baited breath. Eton Rifles was fired through with Gary only being able to hum the verses and mumble the chorus, slow clap or no slow clap he wasn't budging until the song ended, I'm just glad he hadn't picked something longer.

This is the whole trouble with Karaoke warfare, it's always your musical favourites that get murdered. Granted American Pie, is like the specky dork in slasher films he/she doesn't have any lines to say and is one of the first to be killed. You don't give a shit, you have no feelings for them as they aren't part of the main characters, they're plot fillers, sacrifices to the cause of visual effects. Don Mclean should be saluted for conjuring up such Karaoke cannonfodder.

Round three or four I can't remember, but it was the return of the jailbait girls, they had previoulsy been wiggling their arses in attempts to grab the judges attention, it had worked. We had discussed which out of the gaggle of chav asboloving jail baits in front of us had the best arse, was most likely to have kids etc... standard trench conversation. There was 8 of them, all decked out streetwise style, fake tan white hula hoop sized earings. I digress the jailbait sisters upped the stakes, it was duet time some Sealine Dion shite I don't know the title but you do, I know you do. The canadians can keep clubbing seals just as long as she gets it next.

Piss stop time and then whilst going to the bar Smug Irish Cunt, my mate had attracted Pissed up Jock, who gladly informed him that he was "Gannae sing some fuckin Irish gash! cause they bastar's sacked me today!" He did it wasn't Danny Boy too early for that, this was some Irish folk I hadn't heard until that day, I have not benefited since hearing his version.

So the not jail bait girl got up and sang with her partner in crime. It was better than the jailbait sisters voice wise, visually her partner was a weakness, yes image isn't everything but I can't remember what they sang so it was 2-1 to the jailbait sisters. I was starting to flag at this point, drink had got the better of me, and I realised the jailbait sisters dad was in the pub. I know him, hes bigger than me, a nice bloke and we have never had a cross word. He is though on pub watch for fighting.(I have another post about pubwatch in me just waiting to get the photos scanned in)

"Fancy another?" asks Smug Irish Cunt, I nod in the affrimative. I know I should have sent no, I knew I wanted to say no, I knew I didn't want another fucking drink but no, no me fuckwit addict couldn't say no, I fucking nodded. My come uppance was soon to be upon me, there had been a secret war going on, there had been a secret influence, a secret insurgence. The golden girls, The Blue rinses, first we had, had a sweet redition of some old Sinatra song which had SIC cooing about the rat pack, and how he is going to see the show this weekend.

Well up got Blanche, ok her name was Betty, see it has stuck, it stuck because it has scarred me. Betty we were informed is going to since some Christina, before Betty got to the mike, before we saw Betty we were all expecting one of the Jailbaits to finish the war off Atomic style with Durrrrttttyyy! Nope we got Betty singing Beautiful to some bloke sat to the left, this is for you. Why it scarred me is not that bit, or the singing. It was I had the durrrrrttttyyyy! image in my head and that was all I could say, SIC found it amusing a couple of times but I kept saying it, then saying it under my breath, the image in my head of a 65-70 year old dressed like the video gyrating her crotch up and down. My pron of choice would not be mature mommas! So more and more this image was hurting me. Add that and the bucketful of booze in my stomach and you get the sensation durrttty clothes getting washed in the your stomach that has turned into a washing machine. Halfway through a pint I pulled out, I couldn't continue I apologised to SIC, grabbed my coat and wondered of into the darkness to wonder home an aimless drunk. And that is all I can remember SIC never became SICK thankfully but it could have been so much worse.

images nicked from

Boom Boom Shake da Room

2006-02-16T12:08:00.000Z

Happy birthday Mr Kim I baked you a cake, I hope you like it. 64 you can retire soon, and I suppose you don't need the bus pass so enjoy!

Woop woop!
That's the sound of da police!
Woop woop!
That's the sound of the beast!

I talked into going to a nightclub lastnight, it was student night £1.50 a drink the average age of the girls was probably 19 average of the blokes 34. Perverts all of em! Okay that makes me a pervert too but I was a good boy, am always a good boy. When a rather buxom 19yr old kept sidling up to me I got a friend to cause a distraction and I ran away, well no she was told "He's off limits" I got protection! The music was what was around when I was in my teens, which did my fucking swede in cos ok I liked some of it but why can't they have their own music bastards. The kebab on the way stunk my room out this morning the remains at the side of my bed made me feel ooh so nice! There is also an impending sense of doom around me.

The young girl I sit next to at work doesn't like the word moist, where as another don't like the word damp. We decided that moist is a warm fresh word and damp is cold and stale. I'm in my element for innuendo specially when she told me she had a pierced button. Everyone should have a flirtatious young blonde to sit next too, I'm not specifying hair colour but you get my drift!.

I've got an itch

2006-02-15T11:40:00.000Z

i said a hip hop
the hippie the hippie
to the hip hip hop, a you dont stop the rock it

to the bang bang boogie, say up jumped the boogie
to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat

I found an old friend on t'interweb thingy, I forgot aboot these, but my bastard company fuckin web content restriction thingy has stopped me surfing further. I'm on strike today, I deserve it I have worked my ass of recently and apart from an area manager pissing me of wanting amendments to a presentation I wrote last week cos they have only just got round to reading it, the deadline for publishing is today in exactly 1 hour. I'm avoiding the phone and I may take an early lunch.

Happy Birthday Mr Maple Leaf.

Houston has a soccer team, their name has some significance I don't know what it is. I'm too lazy to find out.

I just got busted by the bastard area manager wants a meeting in 10 mins to discuss further bullshit we now have 30 mins left. When I think of chocolate milk I always think of red jumpers.

I see your wedding photos came through nice! Sorry I couldn't make it I had a family commitment and it over ran too much it the end, but I wish you all the happiness in the world!

The bar was busy lastnight my plan for a quiet night backfired, granted there was some actractive girlies getting larruped, but there was lots of wannabe bad bwoys! Strutting about which is always nice. "Alwight mate getus a double JD and coke ana point ov Stella an wot eva 'es 'aving!"

The charley check is always fun too, but no one was caught this week I think they are learning!

In da Club!

2006-02-14T11:07:00.000Z

So today we spread the VD love and celebrate some saintly guy who cured his jailers blind daughter left her note saying something like,

Hey babe you is so hot with your Helen Keller touch I dream about your hot blind hands touching my schlong so long. I'll explode my load if you touch me good.

Be mine

Valentine
x

The jailer found this note and had him beaten to death, the blind girl was only 13 you see, and that kinda love even in Roman times just weren't on, you had to wait until they were 14 if you weren't related.

I didn't get none, I don't get none unless I'm in a relationship and then I get 2 cos someone is always fucking with me and mine.

Spread the VD love, how many times has that joke been don today I dun know, but I dun care.

I is working in my bar tonight so it'll either be full of young couples or sad losers on their own. Well I have news for them, if they is expecting romantic lighting and soft atmos musak. It's football only tonight don't care who wins but am watching that and if you want a drink serve it yourself!

Smarty I have a small local team I follow and they are playing tonight. They're called the Brentford and their nickname is the Bees. The first 400 women through the turnstile get a red rose each. Makes me wanna take a woman just for that. Or you can pay £65 and spoil the girl in the players lounge. The pictures that throws up shouldn't be in my head. Anyway, you get a romantic meal and all that Jazz and a really crap football match. The tag line is "Take your Honey to the Bees" you can't pay enough for that sort of advertising.

Why do birds suddenly appear Every time you are near?

Just like me, they long to be Close to you.

Caught In A Trap

2006-02-13T15:48:00.000Z

Still need to work, I've grown accustomed to being a lazy bastard, through almost a year of no repsonsibility! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!
But I have 19 work days left huzzah! That is after I take my 14 days holiday off.

This photo of a thalidomide won a world press award for best photo I can't deny it's genius

Just Do It!

2006-02-10T10:40:00.000Z

FROM: DR. JAMES BUTHELEZI
BUTHELEZI CONSULTING AGENCY
SUITE 121, PRIVATE BAG X1
GLENVISTA
2058.
SOUTH AFRICA
RE: INVESTMENT REQUEST
I am a financial consultant based in Johannesburg South Africa. I have a client (a widow) from Zimbabwe and she has Ten million United States Dollars only (USD$10, 000,000) with a private security company for safekeeping here in Johannesburg. She wishes to invest
in a stable economy.
Her interest is in companies/individuals with potentials for rapid growth in long terms. My client
is interested in placing part of her fund in you/your company, if your country bi-laws allows foreign investment. And she is willing to offer you 15% of the total fund if you can assist her transfer this fund to your country or any bank of your wish. You can contact me for more details on this e-mail
Yours faithfully,
DR. JAMES BUTHELEZI
NB: The fund is free from drug and laundering related offences and this transaction need utmost confidentiality.
DISCLAIMER: This communication is for the exclusive use of the intended recipient (s) and shall not attach any liability on the originator, Smith consultanting Agency. If you are the addressee, the contents of this letter are intended for your use only and it shall not
be forwarded to any third party, without first obtaining written authorizations from the originator.
It may contain information, which is confidential and legally privileged and the same shall not be used or dealt with by any third party in any manner without the specific consent of Buthelezi consulting Agency.

jamesbuthelezi@zwallet.com

Shake that thing miss kana kana
Shake that thing miss annabella
Shake that thing yan donna donna
Jodi and rebecca

Woman get busy, just shake that booty non-stop
When the beat drops
Just keep swinging it
Get jiggy
Get crunked up
Percolate anything you want to call it
Oscillate you hip and don’t take pity
Me want fi see you get live ’pon the riddim when me ride
And me lyrics a provide electricity
Gal nobody can tell you nuttin’
Can you done know your destiny

Here's a novel thought, I'm at work today with work todo a deadline to meet and I have a complete block on thought. But I did get the nice spam mail in my email account today. I'm glad that they have at least changed part of the story in this one, ie it's now Zimbabwe and not Nigeria. And Buthelezi conjours up Chief Buthelezi and the "Black Consciousness Movement" in the 70's. So I suggest you all get on board and sign up to Dr James and his merry gang.

Just a Friendly Game of Baseball!

No Diggity!

2006-02-09T14:24:00.000Z

That's my boss he ain't nice but he taught me to fiddle my expenses

Meet Mustafa Shag he's been upsetting the people again I think it's his flacid length.

In Indonesia they are auditioning for muslim playboy, bare ankled ladies

Club Tropicana, drinks are free,

Fun and sunshine - there's enough for everyone.

All that's missing is the sea, But don't worry, you can suntan!

Indian He-Man, he got all the dowry and spunked in bubble gum. So he now works in a call centre giving me advice what number to call for a hotel in Inverness.

I've been putting on a bit of weight recently, so they have moved the toilets in my office a mile away to try and get me to walk it off. I have another thing for them, to keep the weight on I am changing my diet to the 1250 a slice snickers pie

1 (9-inch) baked pie shell
5 (2.07 ounce) Snickers bars
1/2 cup granulated sugar
12 ounces cream cheese, softened
2 eggs
1/3 cup sour cream
1/3 cup creamy peanut butter
3 tablespoons whipping cream
2/3 cup semisweet chocolate chips

Cut the bars in half lengthwise, then into 1/4 inch pieces. Place pieces over bottom of pie crust.

In a small bowl, combine sugar and cream cheese; beat until smooth. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add sour cream and peanut butter; beat until mixture is smooth. Pour filling over candy pieces.

Bake at 325 degrees F for 30 to 40 minutes.

In a small saucepan, heat whipping cream until very warm. Remove from heat, and stir in chocolate chips until smooth. Spread over top of pie. Refrigerate 2 to 3 hours before serving.

I have if I take all of my leave 23 working days left at work. A girl I work with is considering running a brothel when she is made redundant, the 60 year old opposite me as I type this said she would happily work in reception. I have yet to be offered a job but I have taken it upon myselfs to recruit the working girls, applications on a postcard please.

Papa Was A Rolling Stone!

2006-02-08T12:55:00.000Z

Nuttin but jpegs today

Of course anyone who wears a mask like that it gay just ask Robin

Society was real bad back then, as were the clothes

Well you can rule me out sweetheart

One for all the valentines people

Leather jackets, berets worn slanting to the side, fro's and an 12 gauge no wonder they were popular!

Insomnia, Babecast, Sudoku TV, Poker and Roulette

2006-02-07T10:14:00.000Z

I couldn't sleep lastnight, so today I'm fucked! The problems with lack of sleep are pretty obvious, you feel tired the next day, can't concentrate and yawn continuoulsy. Fuck me I'm a genius, I bet you all feel better for me letting you in on that bit of insight and knowledge. I could get grouchy later thats another side effect for me.

The main problem is telly, late night TV is shite! TV in general is shite, thats my opinion and I'm sticking to it. I don't watch an awful lot of tv so my thoughts about it are valid and the law! Late night TV lastnight opened my mind to whole world of fun. During other moments of insomnia, I suffer every so often, I watch comedy reruns or fight myself to sleep. The reruns lastnight were shite or I had seen them recently, so I channel hopped.

I've been told about babecast or whatever it is called before, some girls I know often watch it for a laugh after spending a night on the piss before going to bed. Another friend has been to some party and met a couple of the girls who "star" his description wasn't very flattering. All I can say having found it lastnight, is that the girls should have a health and safety check. My HSO would reccomend phone headsets rather than the usual phone, knee and elbow pads and more supportive bras. The bouncing up and down on the knees that I presume is meant to simulate some good ol' rutting whilst supposedly chatting to some perv on the other end of the line is hypnotic and compelling viewing, but only to the point of hilarity.

Having dragged myself away from that crap I found Suduku TV, I didn't watch that for long enough to get the gist of it to be honest. A Roulette lottery type game where you texted in to win. Various poker games and all manner of different keepfit teleshopping adverts which apart from the 6 packing blokes was definetly more erotic than babecast. So I ended up watching the last 20 mins of a shite 70's film starring Joanna Lumley Games That Lovers Play the user comments on IDMB say it all avoid it like the plague....

So I plumped for a mix of the 24 hr news channels all going on about the same subject of those terrible cartoons and those terrible protests, and watching Sri Lanka beat South Africa at cricket. What I did learn from the news was that bigfoot has been found on the West Bank, the reporter said he was on holiday over there to try and help bring Sharron back from his coma.

I might get round to doing yesterdays biatch about my weekend but I might just let you off

What a Biatch

2006-02-06T20:07:00.000Z

Having spent the best part of my working day composing a crappy post blogger wouldn't let me post it for what ever reason so you get this shit! It's my excuse and I am sticking to it. So fuck off!

The lad above was 77 stone and had a 7ft waist, fuck a duck that makes my 12 1/2 stone 34" seem almost reasonable. He has lost half of his body weight by having his stomach stapled. I might consider an elastic band or a brisk walk every now and again.
Hopefully I shall post my usual shite tomorrow when I am back at work.

This might seem cruel, but new face my arse! I would be asking for a refund. Check the teeth out, they could have patched them up too! Typical French do half a job and all that, I can't think where but I recognise the face they have given her, it will eventually come to me so watch out!

Have some crap I ripped off B3ta.com cos I can! business as usual tomorrow, so don't get your hopes up!
If anyone is intrested I am thinking of taking a wander over to the Saudi Arabian embassy and torching a couple of flags to see how long it takes me to get arrested. This is to start my world tour of countries where I shall be burning flags in public places until my untimely death!
This last one is in honour (granted I stole it) of Nolff and Chewy for all the weird wonderful people that are abusing Chewies chat box! Respect is due

Gimme Gimme Fatwa

2006-02-03T11:35:00.001Z

I was in Leeds yesterday, stupid boring meeting, I hate meetings and this one sucked satans cock. It sucked Mohammeds and Jesus's, Buddha's, Vishna's, the Elephant head guy's and Joseph Smiths. Driving for 4 hrs to a meeting for a 4 hr meeting then driving another 4 hrs ain't my idea of fun. The radio sucked cock, the £60 petrol bill sucked cock, the cheapskate sandwich lunch and kettle chips they supplied at the meeting sucked cock.

Muslims are boycoting Lego, bacon blue cheese and pastries because of some cartoons of Mohammed the profit, and so am I a part from the bacon and maybe the lego and if I fancy something sweet I might go for a maple and pecan but thats only because I can't resist their sticky buttery taste. So I think I'll just boycott the blue cheeses!

Personally I don't see the resembalance to Mohammed, I meet with him once a week and he doesn't have bushy eyebrows like that at all. I don't see what the fuss is all about.

Feel her breath on my face

Her body close to me

Can't look in her eyes

She's out of my league

Just a fool to believe

I have anything she needs

She's like the wind

I managed to spill coffee on myself whislt driving yesterday which was handy as it was before the meeting and a coffee stain on a white shirt looks tres professional init! My reasons for the spillage was I saw a sign for a tourist attraction the national space centre. I didn't realise the UK had a space program let alone needing to have a fucking attraction for it. Oh hang on we had that Beagle thing that smashed into Mars, not as impressive as sending dogs and monkeys to die. Having looked at the website we send kids into space, sounds good to me!

Another attraction I saw signposted was the national coalmining muesem, wow! I can just see the kids in the back of the car when I drive up to Newcastle with them next month shouting Dad, Dad can we go there. If it was closer I would have organised Dani's birthday party there, and they could find out what it was like for there ancestors to work down pit. We should bring back child labour cos until I get my expenses paid from last month and this I'm skint and sending the kids up a chimney or something would be a good way to tide me over until next payday.

I 'aint gonna work on Maggie's farm no more

Well I wake up in the morning, fold my hands and pray for rain

I've got a head full of ideas, and they're driving me insane

It's a shame the way she makes me scrub the floor

Oetzi was a jaffa, and of course all jaffas must be brutally murdered everyone know's that. Well a scientist told me, so it must be true. How they manage to tell if someone who died 5000 years ago was seedless is beyond me, as is why?

8 Years Old Today

2006-02-01T10:45:00.000Z

100 Up and still not out

2006-01-31T12:54:00.001Z

Britain today finally got to the magic 100 mark of military deaths in Iraq since the invasion in 2003. Although lagging behind America and Iraq in the league tables this represents a major milestone in what has become Blairs legacy.

"Defence Secretary John Reid said it was an appropriate time to reflect on the "dedication, courage, professionalism and sacrifice" of the armed forces and their families.

Great words that were probably spoken with true meaning and feeling., but they still sound hollow and rolling out cliches does not bring soldiers back, or sons, daughters, fathers or mothers.

Caption Competition

I thought he was an expert already, if say someone wanted to play about with photoshop and this picture that would be welcome to peakystar@googlemail.com

Roadkill recipe yum yum!

HEDGEHOG SPAGHETTI MARINARA
Serves 4. 500g spaghetti, 30ml olive oil, 250g lean hedgehog, 1 medium onion chopped, 125ml water, 60ml dry white wine, 4 eggs, 60ml double cream, 100g Parmesan cheese (grated).
Chop hedgehog into small chunks. Beat eggs and cream with a fork in a bowl. Add half the Parmesan. Put pasta in boiling water. Put onions and hedgehog chunks in a pan with olive oil on medium heat until onions are almost clear. Add wine and reduce heat. Do not let meat crisp. Drain pasta when cooked, then combine with egg, cream and cheese mix. Add meat, onions and wine without draining fat and mix. Garnish with rest of Parmesan and serve immediately.

Some freak is trying to get a publisher for a recipe book he is writing on roadkill

Can't Beat the English rugby(egg chasing) team for coming across as twats when trying to promote the game

Stop and Search, Shoot to Kill

2006-01-30T10:57:00.000Z

I got a slightly mortal on Friday night drinking this stuff, lets just say it kicks the shit out of me! I like a drink, I think I can handle it to a certain degree, but not this stuff. It's turkish it tastes good but it battered me on Friday night.
I look like a known local drug dealer, or according to one of the local old bill I do anyway, great! I will be the first to admit I am no angel, and have been known to have been a very naughty boy in my time on this earth. Stop and searches were quite a common occurance, but I have turned a new leaf, the odd minor indiscretion a part I have been a good boy and that's why Santa visits my house every Christmas. He's forgiven me, Jesus apparently died for my sins so you can all forgive me too.

Anyway on Friday night whislt waiting to be picked up from a train station, I had my collar felt by the filth. The location was a dark train station not quite in the middle of no where but not exactly a thriving metropolis. If I was going to be a street pusher it wouldn't have been my first choice of business, especially at 7.30 on a Friday night. Then a police car pulls up, and two coppers get out walk on over, the first walks past me on towards the station platform. The second who obviously suffers from small man syndrome stops and asks " Do I know you?"
"I doubt it" I replied, "no I definetly recognise you, you're a drug dealer aren't you?"
Now not being an idiot, because the police think all criminals are idiots, I replied in the negative. "No I know you and because of this I am going to have to stop and search you and run your details through our computer." He then read me some rights handed me a leaflet as I began to laugh.

"Do you object?"
"Yes I fucking do, your reasons are complete fucking bollocks and it's a waste of your time and mine!"
"My reasons are entirely valid, and this should only take five minutes"
It was at this point I decided, from past experience that pissing about wasn't worth it and to co-operate fully, I didn't fancy a trip to the station or further aggro. When I was a naughty boy I always found it was best to co-operate, they often missed stuff and the butter wouldn't melt in my mouth approach often blinded them from your obvious guilt. Being questioned as though guilty when innocent was quite a novel position. I was questioned and asked to supply DNA once for a murder, but they knew well had a good idea anyway that I was innocent.
Whilst Napoleon was taking my details, deputy dawg started to try and calm the air by asking a few lighthearted questions. He was a Kiwi and hadn't heard my accent before, he was evidently freezing his brass monkeys off and I get the impression thought it was a waste of time also. So I explained my heritage asked about his reasons for joining our police force, all very civil. The good cop bad cop cliche was in full effect. A few jokes about hobbits, middle earth, sheep, rugby and his obvious dislike of the English climate. I always thought New Zealand had a similar climate to the UK.
All this nice stuff over, I replied to a few more questions explained that their records will bring up a few bits and pieces but not for 8 or more years. Better to be honest and get it out the way wouldn't want Napoleon thinking he had one up on me.
"Thanks for your honesty" sarcy fucker, "your welcome." as I accepted the form he had filled out for me to sign. "No further action to be taken, now that's a suprise isn't it PC?"
"Thank you now you can go about your business."

Now I understand they all have a job to do, I understand they our support, but stopping and searching everyone who looks like a criminal is a bit far fetched. Next they will be targetting the blacks and asians.

My brother called from Iraq lastnight he is enjoying himself back in Baghdad. Glad to hear it, apparently he has nothing to do now since Saddam walked out on his latest judge and the American Journalist he is looking after got blown up. He went out on an American and Iraqui Army convoy giving my brother the day off and low and behold is now in Germany after undergoing surgery. All bets are now void.

Friday Feeling

2006-01-27T11:45:00.000Z

Oleg Gadomsky the bastard has stolen my idea of the invisible cloak. Granted I was going to use it for other reasons for not such good intentions, you know what I'm talking about Chubba! Well there you go espionage spy games rocks with cameras in them. So instead I'm hoping my alien in test tube baby toys will make me my fortune.

Not a lot else going on today, although at the train station I bumped into an old mate's little brother. We all knew he was either born the wrong sex or was gay when he was 10. Apparently when he came out to his parents his mum looked at him with deep sorrow and remorse then, as he began his rant about I knew I would get this reaction that's why I have kept it from you for so long, she burst into tears of laughter and said " don't be such a drama queen I've known since you were 3 and you asked for a baby Annabel for Christmas. Well now he is fully out there and insisted on calling me chicken every five minutes as we talked.

Oh and the whiny bitch leaves today so I don't have to put up with her anymore so I am chuffed to fuck! And there was an attempted murder about 70 metres from my office early morning late lastnight so parts of road taped off, my paranoia with police kicked in for about 2 secs, until I realised I was innocent! It's my daughters 8th birthday on Wednesday anyone got any ideas?

Enjoy your weekends and keep it clean!

Let me introduce you to my little friend

2006-01-26T09:19:00.000Z

I invested your mommies pension fund in Cali Uni to carry out research in my name. What did they find for me I hear you ask? Well ED which is erection dysfunction affects 1:5 men. You what 1 in five suffers from erectile problems what the fuck has that got to do with Hispanics? Well my merry band of researchers found that not getting a stiffy, erection, totem pole, hard on, lob on, boner, etc.. is an earlier indicator of heart disease. "No shit!!" you cry, "when I first couldn't get it up it gave me a heart attack!"
Archives Internal Medicine claim 1 fifth of all men can't get it up, my lot studied 2001 American men. 6.5% of 20 somethings couldn't perform whereas more than 75% of 75 year olds failed to make a mark on the Erichter Scale (that's how they measure cock hardness, it's true) What does this tell you that age is proportional to those who can't get a stiffy, scary stuff I know.

Research carried out in the UK is limited because they all have that famous stiff up lip and shit so won't reveal the true picture, but 5% of 40 year olds suffer from the condition which rises or not to 25% of 65 year olds.

Factors causing this droop are obesity, hypertension, smoking and diabetes. Conclusion is ladies, fatties with a penchant for a cigar who sweat a lot are a no no for good loving!

Right, here is the thing Hispanic men, were found to be twice as likely, to be droopy cocks than white men. So all that machismo is a load of bull, they can't get it up! This is something they have known for years, why do you think they are called His Panics? Hispanic is Latin for impotent, His meaning 'im and panic meaning potent!

So there you go I wasted your mums pension fund on this when all I would have needed was a Latin dictionary or possibly a private education.

37yr Alcoholic Poets Seeking......

2006-01-25T11:35:00.000Z

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace worthy
As lang's my arm.

It's international "Plastic Jock day" whooo! So all the sweaties who moved away from the glen in search of their fortune get to dress up in skirts drink whisky with water or ice maybe even coke and eat some neeps and tatties with mashed sheep’s innards with oatmeal and spices, wrapped in a sheep stomach. Ummm!!! I hear you all cry! I wish I was Scottish! Well what with deep fried marsbars and deep fried pizza the diet of the jock is not something for the faint hearted, well frankly it'll kill you! That's why I laughed when I heard they are shunning the traditional haggis for a "healthy" vegetarian option.

"Vegetarian haggis is proving to be popular with Scots preparing for a healthier Burns’ supper tomorrow. Sales of the nut and bean-filled alternative have surged over the past decade as thousands of Scots fall out of love with the meaty dish. Nutritionists claim health-conscious Scots are turning their back on the traditional recipe of mashed sheep’s innards with oatmeal and spices, wrapped in a sheep stomach. Macsween of Edinburgh now make 750,000 portions of the meat-free pudding — a quarter of their total haggis production."

What's even funnier is that the traditional haggis is now on the restricted food list, what the fuck is that? Restricted food, they eat deep fried pizza for gods sake!

So tonight in honour of Scotlands most famous bard, the fornicating drunk from Ayrshire I will raise a glass break it on the bar and stab it in the nearest persons face.. Joke! No I shall toast him and hope you all enjoy yourself. But this is on the premise that all the plastic sweaties who have been to Scotland once, and that was just for hogmanay in Edinburgh or to take the kids to see Balamory, support England in the World Cup.

People may read this and other posts and think I have something against the Jocks, and they would be right! No what I mean is I have something against those Jocks who sing flower of Scotland with an English accent, believe Braveheart to be factually correct, and yearn for the heathered glens and lochs they have only seen on Monarch of the Glen. The ones who stay in Scotland like tubthumper are ok by me!

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace worthy
As lang's my arm.

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o' need,
While thro' your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.

His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An' cut you up wi' ready sleight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright
Like onie ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin, rich!

Then, horn for horn, they strech an' strive:
Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive,
Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve,
Are bent like drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
'Bethanket!' hums.

Is there that owre his French ragout
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad mak her spew
Wi' perfect sconner,
Looks down wi' sneering, scornfu' view
On sic a dinner?

Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
As feckless as a wither'd rash,
His spindle shank, a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit;
Thro' bluidy flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!

But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread.
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He'll make it whissle;
An' legs, an' arms, an' heads will sned,
Like taps o' thrissle. tops/thistle

Ye Pow'rs wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o'fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer,
Gie her a Haggis!

Boy Scouts, Gaye and Willy

2006-01-24T15:04:00.000Z

On this day in 1908 Baden -Powell set up the second oldest paedophile ring in the world, the Boy Scouts. He had written a book after his experience in the South African bush during the Boar War a military field manual his first book "Aids to Scouting" this was followed up with the number one best seller "Scouting for AIDs" in order to test his second book he took a diverse group of 21 adolescents to Brownsea Island in Dorsetshire where they learned to camp it up for a fortnight.

Wilma, Willy or Wally died. It's a shame the rescuers tried their best, unfortunately it wasn't enough, so no Disney movie from this one. Mind you the £300 pound parking ticket for the rescue team takes the piss and of course this being the UK someone has to take the blame for the loss of life. The Royal Navy are prime suspects at the moment, rather than blaming people perhaps pointing out that the Japs, Norwegians, Icelandics and those plucky Faroe Islanders hunt and murder hundreds of whales each year.

Ambergris is whales vomit, if you are wearing perfume as you read this, there is a chance you have some on you- "eurgh you is stinky and you is wearing whale vomit!" Whale vomit is worth a fortune, just as these Aussies found out. The chunk of ambergris, weighed 14.75 kilograms (32 pounds) and is worth about 20 US dollars per gram, ABC radio said -- making a total of 295,000 dollars.

Have some seaside postcards in honour of their stinky find

I got reacquainted today with an old friend. It's amazing how sometimes you forget about these people and get used to the new friends you have met or hang around with. But listening to him made me forget the bullshit that the people I sit near at work chat about Big Brother and soap operas and other shit. Cheers Marv

Rent Boys and a Whiny Bitch

2006-01-23T20:41:00.000Z

My brother goes back to Iraq on Wednesday for 8 days he's chasing the Murdoch Newscorp dollar, looking after some Sky News reporters. Okay it's only 8 days but having spent more than 8 months a year out there for nearly 3 years, he surely is reducing his odds. Anyone wanna bet?

MPs god love 'em! If the world needs a bit of a scandal you can always trust an MP, and normally an MP who is quite prominently in the public eye at the time. There is a moral to the tale then, if you are an MP and a seedy one stay out of the limelight, or be squeaky clean. Rent boys indeed, are the Lib Dems becoming the new Tory party, in fighting and married men with a penchant for sticking things in young boys. The one thing that struck me about all this shit, is how everyone goes on about the MP being great family man, how the sorry they are. The sympathy rightly goes to the wife, some sympathy goes to adulterer. What about the kids for fucksake? The wife will get sympathy, she can move on and be applauded, or stand by him and be applauded. The kids, fuck me, the playground is going to have a field day over this. Children can be the most evil of predatory pisstakers, a sign of weakness, a slight misdemeanour from you or your family and bang you’re fucked.

You never listened the first time round, you never listen because you are a self centred whiny little wannabe bitch!
Newsflash sweetheart, the world does not revolve around your pretty little ass! And believe it or not when I am sat at work, I don't want to listen to you whining on about how your brother is gonna move straight into your room and use all of your expensive stuff when you fuck off to the other side of the world. Get over it for fucksake! You won't be using it, if that bed is so comfy take it with you! I thought charity was supposed to start at home. So shut the fuck up!
Stop dropping all these hints about the cost of storage, weather reports from where you are going and certainly don't have the fucking audacity to expect a big turn out for your leaving do. Unless of course you have invited others from outside the office to come along, cos babe, you certainly aren't as popular as you think you are, remember your birthday, how many turned up?
Ooh this last week of yours is gonna go so slow. If you keep this shit up, the memories may be bitter and twisted, or perhaps as you're such an egotistical airhead I will forget you in an instant, I can only hope so. Oh and P.S. it is considered good manners to ask before you use someone's fucking mobilephone charger okay!

Busy Busy Busy

2006-01-20T16:48:00.000Z

Enjoy Your Weekends

Necrophilic Racists, It's Not Where You're From, It's Where You're At!

2006-01-19T19:20:00.000Z

So what's happened today, I'm bitter and I'm twisted I got myself busted by my organisations electronic communications policy. It's my own fault someone sent me something to edit for them, and I automatically forwarded it to my gmail account. I should have searched the text for odd expletive, I didn't I got done on one count of F*ck and another of Boll0x. I was also accused of racism as it had a jpg attached called racist, the thought police couldn't see that it was implying the jpg was a racist film poster. The very one I posted the other day. The text also listed slang names for people from different parts of the UK. So there you have it I am a racist bigot!
My boss who is great, understood it was a simple mistake, in fact knew this before asking for a word with me, is going to plead my case to my regional head honcho knob jockey, the one who deemed it a racist email. It was all html code I am shocked they could read it. However I have 38 working days left at this shit whole so, I can safely say I should be ok as long as the racist bit don't go on any personnel file.

This guy wants a job give him a job okay you might think playing dead people is some weird kinky fetish of his that’s your look out.

I have compiled a list of where my family names are based in the UK by this website to prove that I can call anyone a Jock, Paddy or Geordie and it not be deemed a derogatory term as evidence by using this website. I already knew my families background anyway, but fuck it anyway. It kept me occupied for 30 mins

Have some fifties adverts and shit there are more here . Swim wear not only attracts men but pipe smoking dogs too. And I thought it was only beagles who smoked!

I think the road patrol guy looks a bit suspect, and you can't beat the old fashioned ideas of "I'm talking business dear fetch me some drinks!"

Foxy Sluts, Dirty Ho's and Midget Sex

2006-01-18T09:27:00.000Z

So they've legalised mini brothels, now I'm all for open and fair trade but it seems that midgets are the only ones getting a good deal out of this. And come on if people are going to pay for it they are more likely to want a full size ho rather, or at least 50% off the price anyway!

Damn fox hunters they stolen the march on my race for the English Icon, with this in mind I am off now for a meeting with a PR firm to get my campaign on track
That is all

Brit Girls Go All The Way

2006-01-18T00:03:00.000Z

I found this, its a post WW2 dutch comic and very anti-German quite understandably. This animosity still excists so for the coming worldcup a company is selling these

Gordon Brown wants us all to be British and have a Great Britain day, bollox to that! We are made up of England, Scotland Northern Ireland and Wales. Funnily enough those countries all have their various days St Patrick's Day St David's Day, do the sweaties celebrate St Andrew. Dunno but they have that Rabbie guy when they eat a stuffed sheeps stomach and drink.

Jocks, Taffs, Paddies and the fucking Sassenachs (English) all get on pretty well, really! There is a level of resentment over certain things I imagine against the English but come on that goes for most of the planet. I like the banter between each of the different nationalities, I find it fun anyway. I'm not saying we would lose it all with this day, but it sounds just like another soundbite. This would be another bank holiday day for the civil servants, who are employed by Labour and of course will vote Labour. There are rumours about anti Scottish feelings growing in Whitehall and the media. A Great Britain day, suggested by our Scottish Chancellor and next Prime Minister, can stop all that. I doubt it will. Just give the English St Georges day to celebrate and let them do it how they wish. And leave alone Gordon.

Further to this we have an English Icon vote going on, on the interweb thingy it's here. You can nominate your own idea of what England portrays, I am not for one minute suggesting that you do this, to subvert the list I am just saying that non English people should get involved too. My Icon would be the talking parrot that grassed up it's owners girlfriend for being a cheating slut! But of course being the complete self publicist, I think you should all nominate me. My reasons are all quintessential English.

I'm a Civil Servant,
years ago I would have worn a Bowler Hat. Now I wear a hoody, trainers and combat trousers to work
What I wear makes me a chav
I am a chav, apart from the not being unemployed not wearing of jewelery(bling bling watch don't count)
I binge drink according to the media and health people
I use public transport all the time
I drink in an English pub
I wasn't born in England
I was born in a former colony
I play, ok played, Rugby and Football until injury brought any aspirations to a quick and untimley end
I could've been a contender, just like England, I was a contender but have fallen into decline
I'm quiet and retiring, yet outspoken and loud at the same time. I'm full of my own self importance

There you go, there are probably other reasons to vote for me, but if you do, I promise to take my time as Englands icon as serious as possible and to promote all things to English to the
world.

Have some film and show posters, some racist, some bizarre, some just anti american and others well who cares

now guess the films

IT WAS SURELY, PURELY CHEMISTRY

2006-01-16T18:32:00.000Z

We met at a dinner Before I knew I'd hooked myself a millionaire winner
Talking over plastics and paintA little politics and . . .
(chorus)

Chemistry. It was surely purely chemistry A chemical equation That helped
me rule the nation Denis, Ronnie, Crawfie, my handbag. And me
And Ronnie, I miss you The way that you agreed with all I said, I
could've kissed youTalking over what's right or wrong A little politics
and . . .
(chorus)

Crawfie, dear Crawfie You do just as I ask and you're as sweet as cinder
toffeeTalking over which suit to wear A little politics and ...
(chorus)

My handbag and I We'll stick together till I die And if I get a bit,
well, dippy It says, 'Come on, put on a bit of lippy!' (she
does)
(spoken) Thank you. Much better Denis, Ronnie, Crawfie, my handbag.
And me

Someone has written a musical about our dear beloved Thatch! the Iron
Lady of conservative politics. Don't think Mary Poppins think Rosa
Clebb!

Anyway have some polish film posters the link is here I was going
to suggest guess the movie but I can't read Polish so that would have
been stupid

But perhaps the best titles for these should get the kudos

Now have some French Aids, french aids is worse than normal aids, you catch some silly accent and smell of garlic

Back Alley Sally and Burka Barbie

2006-01-14T00:01:00.000Z

I tried posting this earlier but Blogger was was down or not liking my connections.

It's award season apparently so this is my mum of the year award, contary to popular belief I don't know her personally.

I'm off to a meeting this afternoon at our headquarters, they introduced some rule about dresscode for our major offices before Christmas, a drinking policy and a smoking policy. I haven't worn a suit to work in 3 years, and lunch time drinking is a pretty regular excersise my body could go into some sort of shock. The girls in my team requested a twirl, I declined. The whoops of "ooh look at you!" or "Interview then?" and "Day in Court is it?" have become quite boring. I bumped into my brother whilst walking to my office, who again was shocked at the scrubbed up image of his little brother. He declared that he had just come of a 10 hr shift of surfing porn whilst doing the night shift in his coms room at work, an image I have yet to be able to shift from my head.

Lastnight I continued my unbeaten pool team record, by again suggesting that one of the others play. My record so far, played 1 won 1, turned up to play 10 times declined ot play 9 times. The unbeaten trophy will be mine.

Further breach of confedential info from work:-
Checking through action plans from local authorities I came across one for a county in the east of England. This is possibly in the public domain anyway but here it is

Areas for Development:

Teenage pregnancy in some areas of the County

No wonder the UK has such a problem.

An Islamic doll dressed in a burka is kicking the shit out of Barbie in Arab states, no suprose there then, apparently when it went on sale in Mecca yesterday there was massive loss of life in the crush to get one.
Mattel are set to bring out their insurgence Barbie in response

Have some rare Kung Fu posters and some randoms, I was shocked to China O'Brian and Cannonball run classed as rare Kung Fu films.

Is it cos I is Black?

I do have concerns over drinking my usual quota of coffee as being Mr Clumsy I bound to spill some on my nice clean shirt. Enjoy your weekend and stay safe on this oh so freakish and unlucky day. Stay away from people in hockey masks weilding machetes, they are not naughty people and may doop you in to signing up for a nigerian banking scam.

Naughty Nurses and a Busty Wench

2006-01-12T19:55:00.000Z

So I saw the doctor, she gave me some pills and a nasal spray and sent me off to the hospital for an X-ray on my face, to check out any damage. I have an infection of my sinuses and apparently enough gunk up my nose and in my ears to stick the Berlin wall back together. So any builders out there want some cheap gunk I'm your man

This is why you shouldn't leave grown men around childrens toys.

These people have landed in Nova Scotia and are out to sort out Americas little cheeky little pinko brother, or so I have been told.Canada has created a robot who gives birth to children in answer to those freakin invaders!

I am off to prepare for a shit ass boring meeting I have tomorrow by endulging in my favourite past time. However when I was there lastnight I was employed by the UN as a peace keeping force and was issued with rather a dapper baby blue berret.

A friend broke from this girl some time ago, it hasn't been pretty and it sure as hell hasn't been a clean brake. In fact they are probably post coital as I tap this out. Well we were watching the football, in the local when he decided he would play pool, she was near the pool table something was said, she storms out he yells at her, he comes and sits down. Nothing said 2 minutes later back she comes and takes him from behind, he gets up to punch his attacker to have me grab his shirt tell him to sit the fuck down. It's at this point all hell breaks lose, "were you going to punch a bird?" from nosey prick one. 10 minutes of this and I had successfully negociated a peaceful outcome, that no he did not realise who is attacker was and that yes it is not right to hit a girl, but equally it is not right for said girl to hit a bloke unseen. I expect nomination for the Nobel peace prize for this one, so be warned if I don't get it.

One Good Desi Deserves Another

2006-01-11T13:06:00.000Z

I forgot to mention yesterday I did a good deed before getting the train from waterloo for work I spotted a ticket in the machine, saw that it was part of a return ticket to Windsor. So I ran up to that train gave the ticket to the guard saying if when you come to check the tickets and someone realises they don't have part of their ticket here it is. He looked at me like I was a complete twat!

I admit if it had been a single I would have taken it to the counter and asked for refund saying I pressed the wrong button, but at least I tried!

I have also been all grown up today, in an attempt to stop the bird flu, SARs, AIDs or Cancer I may have. I still have this headache, I have booked an eye appointment, could be my eyes. And an appointment with the docs, frankly my sinuses are alot to be desired (you know you want them.) My nose has been broken many times, its a rugby thing, and a I don't get on with bouncers thing. So being unable to breath through my nose and jumbo jet style snoring is an issue. So after years of comments from my parents, friends and girly type friends I have finally decided to go to the quacks and see if I can have it sorted.

Now have some Bollywood posters

Don't fuck with the Black Cobra or the Don but is Coolie a racist term?

Dracula, your mom and her sister

Check out Jaws, and some Sly movies

Zorro, Superfly and thug life

There were 3 orphaned otters found in a block of ice, they were rescued before being added to James Bond's Martini, they are called Splish, Splash and Splosh and their web cam is here

Teens, Asians, Chinks and Micks

2006-01-10T13:39:00.000Z

So I went up the West End last night and caught a show, ooh how sophisticated of me! I saw miserables, it was pretty good. Not generally my thing at all, but I had to go as I bought 2 tickets as a Christmas present so my attendance was required. We got great seats and even the annoyance of the dutch sat behind me talking and whooping as though it was the Springer show didn't spoil the performance.

Before the show we went for a drink in an Irish(theme) pub in China Town, the atmosphere was amusing it felt like an opium den and as we looked out of the windows it could have been a shadow puppet show. Watching the Asian tourists take photos of one another against Chinatowns backdrop was very amusing, as all of them in every group took had there individual photo taken and then in various group photos.

So we left the chain smoking Triads to drink their beer and went to the show. Like I said I enjoyed the show but wasn't quite as moved by those sat around me. It's an emotional story, the lighting and the powerful voices obviously got the better of Marie-Claire, but more so the American guy sat next to me. He was blubbing like a little girl and it was a struggle not to laugh. Sorry mate but you were, and all the trying to hide it shit didn't work I caught you and I bet your mate caught you to.

Then we returned to see if this Irish China thing was still going on. Sadly it had laspsed but the transformation was worth it. Teenage girls heady with the influence of loud music and alco-pops gyrating against one another and various makeshift poles. This of course made discussing the show very difficult but I tried. I do admit I thought just saying it was good would have done it, but she wanted to really discuss it, I claimed ignorance. So our attention was drawn to the gyrating teens, and the gawkish blokes now swooping for the kill in an attempt to trap their prey. The girls rejections were amusing, the David Brent dancing horrific and the beer by now flowing. People watching is one of my more favourite past times, normally involved with beer. I decided against taking photos as the flash may have gave the game away. I think next time I shall be more courageous. So our discussion got on to the various unconfident males in what had now become a teen disco, and the gyrating teens. One of them had finally it seems had been caught by the hunting male, but his co hunter had been rebuffed and was attempting to drag him away. This allowed for another pack to move with more success it appeared than the previous 2, out numbered they soon slinked off. It was at this point we made our exit and headed to a Chinese restaurant for some much needed food.

Beggars can't be choosers it appears at 12.30 and frankly the first open restaurant was going to get our trade. To say that we shan't be returning is an understatement, the food was quite possibly dangerous the egg fried rice had probably been prepared at breakfast and the quickfire service allowed everything to go cold as we finished each consecutive course. It was cheap it filled a whole and neither of us are on the at risk register, but we did leave the rice.

So our journey home, I was like a kid again I haven't been on a London bus in years especially not the night bus. And like the big kid I am, I made straight for the top and the front, this of course gives you a great view of London streets at night, but also scares the shit out of you as the driver appears to cut corners or over estimate bends in the road. 20 minutes later we were close to home and as we walked round the corner were serenaded by the fornicating foxes or coital cats. What joy!

So that was my cultural experience for the year now down to the usual shit.

This is for Fatrobot as he like spacesuits check out Yori style.

Check out Bibendum what as bastard he wants to rule the world.

this is his kid

I bet she would be more popular drinking other stuff

Your dads been at it again

meet my dog he is Sri Lankan

Felching, Fisting, BBWs and the 4th rd draws

2006-01-09T15:36:00.000Z

I think there is something Fatrobot has been keeping from us!

Stoke City/Tamworth v Barnsley/Walsall
Cheltenham Town/Chester City v Newcastle United (happy with that)
Coventry v Nuneaton Borough/Middlesbrough
West Brom/Reading v Torquay/Birmingham
Portsmouth v Liverpool
Leicester v Southampton
Bolton v Arsenal
Aston Villa v Port Vale
Brentford v Sunderland (might go to this)
Manchester City v Wigan/Leeds
Millwall/Everton v Chelsea
Preston v Crystal Palace
West Ham v Blackburn
Colchester v Derby
Charlton v Leyton Orient
Wolves v Burton/Manchester United

Ties to be played on the weekend of the 28/29 January

Scotland

Inverness CT or Ayr Utd v Partick Thistle
Spartans v St Mirren
Queen of the South or Hamilton v Alloa Ath or Livingston
Hearts v Aberdeen
Airdrie United v Dundee
Falkirk v Ross County
Rangers v Hibernian
Clyde v Gretna

Ties to be played the weekend of 4/5 Feburary

Don't do it

I promise no football posts in future I'll keep them for the antiworld cup in future but that don't get updated to often.

Tactical Chunder and a Romantic Weekend

2006-01-09T13:11:00.000Z

have some comic covers

FA Cup 3rd round weekend
Burton Albion 0 - 0 Man Utd
Fulham 1 - 2 Leyton Orient
Leicester 3 - 2 Tottenham
Sunderland 3 - 0 Northwich
Arsenal 2 - 1 Cardiff
Barnsley 1 - 1 Walsall
Blackburn 3 - 0 QPR
Brighton 0 - 1 Coventry
Chelsea 2 - 1 Huddersfield
Cheltenham 2 - 2 Chester
Crystal Palace 4 - 1 Northampton
Derby 2 - 1 Burnley
Hull 0 - 1 Aston Villa
Ipswich 0 - 1 Portsmouth
Luton 3 - 5 Liverpool
Man City 3 - 1 Scunthorpe
Millwall 1 - 1 Everton
Newcastle 1 - 0 Mansfield
Norwich 1 - 2 West Ham
Nuneaton 1 - 1 Middlesbrough
Preston 2 - 1 Crewe
Sheff Utd 1 - 2 Colchester
Sheff Wed 2 - 4 Charlton
Southampton 4 - 3 Milton Keynes Dons
Stockport 2 - 3 Brentford
Stoke 0 - 0 Tamworth
Torquay 0 - 0 Birmingham
Watford 0 - 3 Bolton
West Brom 1 - 1 Reading
Wigan 1 - 1 Leeds
Wolverhampton 1 - 0 Plymouth

Clyde 2-1 Celtic

The 3rd round of the FA cup is seen as the most romantic in football as it gives the little guy the chance to play the big guy and cause an upset, cause a cup shock. Non league teams get to play premiership teams. Everyone loves an underdog, and this weekend saw my friends and I becoming Huddersfield Town, Burton Albion, Leyton Orient, Cardiff, Nothwich Victoria, Nuneaton Borough, Luton and Tamworth fans. Of course my mates became Mansfield Town fans too but I wasn't about to let that get in the way of our friendship and seeing as They were split by their matches QPR - Blackburn and Ipswich - Portsmouth I kept out of it. We spent the afternoon in the pub with our betting slips, and watched Soccer Saturday on Sky. hoping for the shock upsets to come. Championship side Cardiff ran Arsenal close, but no upset. Blackburn demolished QPR 3-0, league 1 Huddersfield made it tough for Chelsea but a last minute goal saved the replay. There were no real shocks apart from non league Nuneaton holding Middlesbrough with a last minute penalty to give them a moneyspinner of a replay at the Riverside. Well it will be a moneyspinner if the Smoggies stay away fans actually turn up for once.

It was at this point we all went round my mates house for a curry, and a few beers to support Luton against the current European Champions Liverpool. The curry was good, the homemade breads lovely. the game a classic with the underdog going 3-1 after 52 minutes for it all to go tits up at the end. And a 3-5 unfair on Luton, at this point we went to another pub and I had my problem, I had eaten too much. This sometimes happens and I am completely fucked. Can't drink, can eat, can't talk, I was having a good night and didn't want it to end in such away. Then I sort of wretched, this never happens. Okay I have been sick whilst completely arse raped on booze, but this is a rare occurance, and you feel fucking awful for being sick too.
So off to the toilet I went and bleurgh a mouthful of liquid and bread chunks drops into the toilet.
"Are you alright mate" A fucking bouncer has followed me, now being sick in a pub generally means you've had to much get out to a bouncer.
"Yeah just eaten to much curry need to get some of it out" I don't like bouncers and I was sober, me talking to bouncers whilst sober is strange enough, but I was still concerned over the normal result of me being thrown out, that I was going to be courteous and polite.
"A glass of water normally does the trick for me"
Fucking hell he is polite and back, and I am not heading for the door.
"Cheers! Will do"
I head back to my table explain to my mates I am going to be sick and that once I have cleared my stomach I'll be back for another beer.
A Tactical Chunder it is called, I had previously never had the ability but I knew there was loads to come yet felt fine. I will point out now I am not bulimic, and have no eating disorders other than being slightly greedy with curry. So there I am down an Alleyway spraying the walls with liquid and more lumps of bread and I feel fine, go back to the pub finish my pint and head of to the next pub.
A fight breaks out broken glasses sticky floors and bollocks I am going home. A good night out and my first tactical chunder, I had my camera so I should have taken a photo of it as a momento but alas I didn't think.

Sunday it's pissing it down and it was a day doing very little, looking for cars online that sort of shit, then I turn on the telly and fuck me Clyde 2 Celtic 0. They have the same sort of football competition in Sweaty land but it's not quite as good as there only 2-3 decent teams in Scotland whereas England has at last 4. Roy Keane's debut going well then? Anyway Celtic pull one back but fail to equalise and we have a proper shock for the weekend. Then Fulham fuck up at Leyton Orient, well actually no it was at Fulhams home ground. Mighty Man U field a weakened team against Burton Albion a team some 104 places below them in the league, disrespectful to say the least and only manage a draw. Fantastic! And then Leicester come from 2-0 down to win the match 3-2 in the last minute against so called big team Spurs and were all laughing. The draw happens today so lets hope Newcastle don't end up with a shit draw. Oh and by the way Shearer finally equalled that record they have been making such a big thing of so a good one all round.

Tonight I am off to see some re enactment of the French Revolution set to music, apparently it's very famous and popular.

Now if you think this post was boring here is an article that says football is more exciting than other sports so there!

Study shows football is the most exciting sport of all
Thu 05 Jan, 6:22 AM

LONDON (Reuters) - It's official. Football has been the most exciting sport for the last 100 years, but baseball is catching up.

A team of scientists from the Los Alamos National Laboratory in New Mexico studied a string of sports to discover which offered the most unpredictable and surprising results -- and football was the winner.

"If there are no upsets, then every game is predictable and hence boring," Eli Ben-Naim told New Scientist magazine.

He and team members Sidney Redner and Federico Vazquez analysed results from more than 300,000 games over the last century from the U.S. national hockey, football, basketball and baseball leagues and the top English football league.

Their results showed that the "upset frequency" was highest for football followed by baseball, hockey, basketball and finally American football.

But there was a twist in the tale for football fans.

When the team studied data from just the last 10 years, English football and American baseball swapped places, suggesting that football had become more predictable over the past decade.

I am now off to watch the draw fingers crossed

Transexuals with Big Tits

2006-01-06T12:39:00.000Z

one up the bum no babies, it's true!

Belle my youngest had her first day at playschool nursery pre school whatever you want to call it. Actually I know its called a pre school, I know the pre school I have walked past it possibly every other day for the last 5 years. I also know everything about this place cos I am one sneaky bastard. Incidentally their inspection reports are on t' interwebspace fingy! If you are really really interested you can read em here and here.

Well she enjoyed it and "did painting"
"That’s good what else did you do sweetheart?"
"Painting"
"Anything else?"
"Painting"
"Ok what did you paint darling?"
"Rainbow"

Well she wasn't over awed by it all, or scared and wants to go back which is the main thing. Apparently her mother was in tears when she dropped her off and this caused much amusement for the other kids.

So we have celebrity big brother again in the UK, an intresting mix of people, or not. I don't watch alot of telly, and I can't say I have been a supporter of Big Brother as I hate reality TV shows. But as I have vowed to stay in more I could end up watching this out of curiosity. I very much doubt though! Mind you the maverick entrance of a fake celebrity is quite amusing or it looks it on paper.

The players:-

GEORGE GALLOWAY,
MP for Downtown Baghdad and Bethnal Green, you know the one who is against the war and has been accused of taking bribes from Saddam and shit.

odds 14-1

JODIE MARSH
Queen of Chavtown, Brentwood superstar page 3 bird arch enemy of Jordan.

odds 4-1 fav

DENNIS RODMAN
Cross dressing tattooed former basketball player. Indy girl wants more of him apparently

odds 6-1

TRACI BINGHAM
One time baywatch babe, US totty role here

odds 7-1

MICHAEL BARRYMORE
One time tv presenter now more famous for putting fags out in swimming pools since a homosexual was found dead in his pool in 2001

odds 6-1

PRESTON
Band member of Ordinary Boys, who I quite like so he is my winner, although they aren't well known so there you go

odds 5-1

FARIA ALAM
Former FA secretary who shagged Sven

odds 10-1

PETE BURNS
Shemale singer from the 1980s You spin me round ring any bells, a bit of a car crash so entertaining perhaps.

odds 12-1

RULA LENSKA
Polish TV actress from footballers wives, the older woman catergory

odds 8-1

MAGGOT
Rapper from Goldie Lookin Chain the Welsh chav type answer to Eminem, no doubt the joker!

Odds 9-2

CHANTELLE
The fake, she is there to pretend that she is in a girl band called Kandyfloss, so the celebs will say ooh yeah I've heard your song blah blah blah. Although I found this cos I think she has been on telly as the worst Paris Hilton look alike Essex has to offer.

odds 16-1

No doubt the nation is already hooked, so back to the usual stuff I post. I found some old Rap HipHop flyers they seriously needed a decent advertising firm back then as they were lame

Moulin Rouge posters are always good too

And then there is always 50's-60's french adverts, but I always thought that french women loved hairy pits just like JQP

Sex, Drugs and I'm Back to Work!

2006-01-04T10:52:00.000Z

The UKs Finest

You can order the calender here

It's my first day back to work and although I don't hate it, I have a headache and don't want to be here. I don't get headaches so I am feeling sorry for myself. I am allowed to, so there.

New Year tales of woe from friends so far, making it all the better that I didn't stay at home. The party I would have gone to, ended in a fight, the house owner a friend ejected a mate after an arguement. Ejected didn't like being ejected, came back yada, yada, yada. And bing bang bong! Crash bang wallop! Ejected in hospital, a few people arrested. Friendships over and my friends have already started picking sides. Fuck 'em I'm taking the moral high ground and staying out of it.

Second tale of woe, a friend's son, a semi pro footballer, got knocked over at 4am walking home from a nightclub on New Years day. The driver stopped and called the police and ambulance thankfully. He hadn't been drinking wasn't speeding it's just the lad stumbled into the road shitfaced. Broken leg, cuts bruises and a fucked wrist. When he hobbled into the pub yesterday he really did look like he had been in a car crash.

I also see that one of the Christmas presents I bought someone is to be sold on ebay, I have lodged a complaint. I just wish they had said something to me as I still have the reciept.

I am still being nice to people but I think it could be the cause of my headache. I think I need practice at being nice to people and then the headache will go, unless it's a tumour.

The good news is I have 61 working days left until they make me redundant and I have 11 days holiday left to take so it's 50 days really. The more meetings and stuff at other offices I can get roped into the better for me.

I found me some more 60's 70's porno posters you can buy me some if you want

UPDATE
The headache had gone, until 2 geeks from our Data Protection dept have just come up to talk to one of our IT guys who sits in my team. Topic of discussion" virus protection and configuring firewalls and shit on their home PCs."
My headache has come back, and I have learnt all the problems with Norton, AVG, Zonealarm and Macafee. I think I will go to lunch now, and break one of my other resolutions.

New Years Revolutions

2006-01-02T13:27:00.000Z

I'll get the small talk over and done with, I trust you all had a nice time celebrating the New Year in your own particular ways. I also hope that this year is all that you want and deserve. (can't be to nice)

Personally I enjoyed a low key affair I cooked a meal, a fucking nice meal if you ask me but I am unpartial and overly confident in my own abilities. It was kept simple due to the wanted speed and the size of kitchen and lack of utensils.

Paned mozzarella with port reduction
Sauted pork loin in a sherry sauce with roasted vegetables
vanilla baked custard

After that it was off to the pub and fight for a seat, I'm a lazy bastard and don't like standing for to long. We got a seat in the end, fighting to get to the bar, listened to cheesy 70-80s music until 2.30 watched Londons fireworks on the telly. Met some weird and intresting people, politley declined the invitation to a house party with some of these people. Being locked in a house with 4 lardie dah girls and 1 lardie dah luvvie bloke, whilst they try to out wit one another or out do one another didn't really intrest me as nice as I imagine they are. You see the pub is opposite a highly rated small independent cinema and theatre, luvvies. I have nothing against luvvies, yet! Just didn't want to start on a night one of my resolutions was to be nicer to people, and less critical.

So my resolutions:-

i)last year was to drink more, it worked I drank more, this year I am going to drink less.
ii)Find a new job.
iii)Buy a car. I know I should care for the enviroment, but not having one for 2 years is doing my head in.
iv)Be nicer to people, and less critical of tossers.

I have broken the last one already, but I will try.

This poster is everywhere at the moment and I remember on Christmas Eve a carol singer trying to thrust one into my hand. Well they have copied the idea of Commie art for Christmas I asked Fatrobot and Nolff come up with. I shall take the creedit for their idea also

Iron Maiden Spongebob Squarepants wallpapers and shit. And apparently Iranian TV screens cartoons to kids for promoting Anti-Semitism and promoting suicide bombings

Dirty Euro Porn

2005-12-30T15:09:00.000Z

I can't believe they have backed down and dropped these from the public eye. You would have thought a nation that has given us Hitler and Arnie would want to soften their image slightly

Desi Babes and Underage Art

2005-12-29T15:38:00.000Z

A six year old did this isn't it good? he sold it for £50 at an art show.

This is his Grandad and your dad, or so I have been told

Have a burqini from Australia

And Yodog I don't know which one's more stupid

Hirsute Women

2005-12-28T15:00:00.000Z

Man with worlds longest ear hair, we applaud you

As for the Canadians with the longest nipple hairs and teeth, well done but surely you all have an unfair advantage.

It might have been snowing here causing alsorts of shit, the breakdown of the NHS and the war in Iraq but its been raining fish in China

I found this in my hot tub, boy did I give him a kicking until he paid up the entrance fee

Mother Teresa's Ass

2005-12-27T17:27:00.000Z

Its snowing here and everyone panics, the brits are such pussies with snow. It shames me!

Lets play guess who

Answers are here and some fucker stole one of these how naughty and at Christmas.

Hope you all had a happy holidays, I got the cold I wanted and a beer fridge, chuffed! I now must go to my bar job and sneeze and cough over my cutomers. A cold the gift that just keeps giving!

To Santa

2005-12-25T14:16:00.000Z

Thank you for the presents, I notice that my letter obviously got lost in the post or something. Anyway the lump of coal will come in handy but I told you lastyear that I had signed up to the Kyoto agreement on fossil fuels so would have preferred a renewable fuel source. Hey some uranium or some plutonium would have been good and then I could have sold it to Iran or someone, maybe even used them to make a dirty bomb. Nevermind maybe next year. The one satsuma is good, ideal for my Nancy Reagan impressions. The bag of nuts I'm not so keen on but then again I might find a use for them. But the new war, Sudan vs Chad hey should be a winner, I would never have thought of that one. So all in all, Santa thankyou! Cheers and I hope the bottle of brandy you nicked off me lastnight chokes you!

Yours

Peaky

Dear Santa

2005-12-24T17:01:00.000Z

I have been a good boy, this year. Okay granted I haven't given up smoking or drinking, and the last few days have been slightly over the top, but come on did mum really need to say she was ashamed of me for that. I did my chores, I have been nice to people, I help people out. Even the other day when I saw a big queue at the cash machine I pointed out that there was another round the corner and even more inside the bank. Did I get thanks no I didn't! Did I complain afterwards? No I just took it that they were all miserable bastards and can wait as long as they like. I have been a good boy at work, I haven't bunked the train in ages either but compared to some I have been a real good boy so I would like.

An Ipod
Some Socks
Some Boxers shorts
A season ticket to Newcastle United
Newcastle United to win a trophy
Good will to all men
Peace on earth
Some booze
A real good job
cure for Aids, Cancer, SARS, Avain Flu and neoconservatism
A car
I mean a nice car
Some new clothes

That will do anything else Santa will be a bonus.
yours sincerley and Merry Christmas!

Peaky

Have some pictures of despotty totty as the Sun put it! If you have some dictator or lunatic with fit kids please post.

Have a Christmas message before the internet and:-

Battered Cod

2005-12-23T11:59:00.000Z

Apparently there is no cure for hangovers, thankyou for that. Theres no cure for Aids cancer or Bird flu. A fucking hangover I can handle that easy, have another drink sorted!
Other news they drunk 800 pints a day in the house of commons, my answer to that I'm becoming an MP. My reasons for becoming an MP so I can pass a law to kick the shit out of the bouncer who threw me out of the nightclub I was in lastnight, and if you are reading this you bastard. My shoulder is fucking killing me, I thought I had hangover until I realised the reason for my head hurting is the fuck off big bruise on the side of my head where you threw me through the door. And the next time I ask to get my coat, please don't take that as a threat, just take it as I want to get my coat!

Yes Christmas cam e early for me lastnight, I have a great time with bouncers, my surgeon will be glad for the extra work in the new year to repair the shoulder he fixed lastyear.

Anyway its my last day at work, I'm off work until the 4th. Like at school we get to leave early and we brought in our favourite toys to play with. I've stolen the small kids scaletrix and broken a few barbies that made me feel better.

anyway have my Blind pron and some random cheesecake Merry Christmas

Powerpuff Girls

2005-12-22T13:49:00.000Z

I'm off work sick, skyving really, feal a hell of a lot better now and I am able to speak, which I couldn't earlier. In fairness I was starting to croak yesterday, today my voice was a squeak. And for those who know me I love talking, it's a passion of mine. So squeaking ain't good for me.

So my day so far, has been in bed watching the powerpuff girls movie, I don't watch a lot of telly but fuck me that film was warped, my kids watch that crap all the time. Geneticly modified monkeys trying to rule the world, firing bombs out of their robot arses and shit. A single man creates these little girls, puts them in either short dresses or nighties. Come on, they can fly and shit so why can't they dress themselves I'm getting the welfare on you bucko! Especially after you just left them alone when you went to prison.

My work mates sent me this, I'm glad they are enjoying themselves without me. But the 6ft Santa is amusing, especially as the girl who brought it don't drive so I'd like to see her get that fucker home if there is a storm later.
I think I'm gonna go wrap my presents now cos I just no for sure they won't get done otherwise.

Russian Commie Christmas and Newyear Cards

Live Girl On Girl Action

2005-12-21T11:17:00.000Z

Girls getting it on with girls and boys getting it on with boys is all legal and now they can get married too. Apart from in the Outer Hebrides, they have said arbith! Well thats what I think is Gay Lick for no. There to busy shagging sheep up there anyway to worry about girl on girl action and marriage. Anyway isn't girl on girl action more without marriage.

In honour of the newly annouced gay marriages, Ikea are now selling lesbian beds..

There's no screwing involved it's just tongue and groove!

General Electric= Racists Nice jumper Bill

Second crappy Christmas party now whoopee doo!

Fellatio and Bearded Babies

2005-12-21T09:03:00.000Z

No office antics to speak of, no transexual fuckfest. MILFs and mature hotties were extinct and there was no buttfucking in the restaurant toilets. I did however with the help of some colleagues liberate a few decorations although the 12" phallic symbol on top of a tree was beyond me and the 18" Santa just to well guarded. The picture is shit cos I was shitfaced lastnight when taking it. The fact I left my work do to go and work in the bar I work in, and got in late has made me an very happy guy this morning. My Christmas cold looks like it is bang on course for Christmas Eve, I was obviously smoking crack lastnight by the sound of my voice.
On the plus side I got my best Secret Santa ever, and if they only spent a £5 I will be shocked. I got a bottle of Merlot, a particular favourite of mine and a book on booze from around the world, again something of hobby of mine.

What did baby corn say to mummy corn?

Where's popcorn?

I will come back later and post some of my usual random shite, but there was some sad news yesterday. A sporting genius died, Rooster Booster. He was 11 and proof that gentlemen prefer blonds, ok he was a grey. I won a few quid on him make no mistake as did a lot of people.

Foaled: 1994.
Career record: Overcame a slow start, winning just one of his first 21 races, to run 46 times, winning on ten occasions and finishing runner-up on 14 others. Earned £687,541 in prize-money.
Big-races: Champion Hurdle (2003), Champion Hurdle Trial (2004), Bula Hurdle (2002), County Hurdle (2002), Concept Hurdle (2005).
Ran 13 times at Cheltenham, winning four times. His final race was at that course last month.

If you want to read jockey Richard Johnsons tribute it is here

Tis The Season to Be Jolly

2005-12-20T09:42:00.000Z

Fa la la, la la la.

It's my office Christmas meal do thing today, well my teams anyway. I say team I mean a circus really. It's a collection of all the waifs and strays in the office who don't have a specific department, joined together for this one time. Hey look they are clowns and freaks and I know that makes me a freak or clown too, but at least I'm not a sword swallower.

Thankfully it shouldn't prove to be too long a task, and it could be quite fun. The finance women and facilities girls are all old soaks apparently. The helpdesk is the real freak show, bearded women and that sort of shit, I'm staying away from them to fucking scary.

So it's the festive season, but the perils of enjoying yourself to much are there, so watch out kids

See it's a happy ending in the end anyway, so drink as much as you want this Christmas as there will always be AA for the spring. The rest and others here.

Sorry Out Of Stock

2005-12-19T12:29:00.000Z

Here's a question for you "is naturism compatible with christian values?" I dunno but these guys can sort this out for you. They are building a a communal home for all them nekkid Christian types in Tampa.

Don't get in the car as he wants to Tampa with you

This is his other car, it's for sale if you fancy it

Photoshopping this would be to easy

Right so I thought about protesting against Christmas and not buying anything this year, but well I thought no! I know the best way to protest would be to buy stuff, but only buy cool presents and and stuff and get them as cheap as possible and not actually go shopping but do it all online. Then I'm not supportting the fat cat capitalists really I'm only supporting them cyber style. And we all know cyber really means NOT doing something. Well guess what most of my presents I have bought my loved ones haven't turned up yet and won't be turning up this Christmas. So I have a moral dilema, do I see the heart break on my loved ones faces when I tell them "No pressies for you this year" or do I do something I fuckin hate and get out there and buy some shit from the arsehole consumer feeders, and actually shop?

One thing is for sure I won't be buying a Barbie, I looked in my daughters room lastnight and found these

Which made perfect sense when I read about them being tortured and mutilated by children trying to bring democratic rule to Barbies, as they haven't had it before something to do with a evil tyrant dictator called Ken. But they did get to vote the other day, and I met this girl in a bar she was very friendly. I will have to teach my daughter to have more respect for Barbies they've been through enough already.

And remember kids

Official Secrets Act

2005-12-16T09:29:00.000Z

I have signed this loads of times and I break it all the time, so there.
Well I am working on a project which has been hush hush, its all bollocks really. I work for one government dept and we are going to be taking over another dept, hostile takeover shit. I dunno anyway this is from the risk register

Risk
The transfer of new pieces of work from SUKAs will increase workloads within BAS and TARD. If there are insufficient staff, this work will not be covered.

Impact
Staff within SUKA are already positioning themselves away from this work as they to not want to transfer to the new organisation

Countermeasures
Initial discussions held with SUKA colleagues.This will require a hearts and minds presentation to SUKAs staff to show the positives of working with BASTARDS.

I have changed a few bits but, this was written by our Directors think top level civil servants think wannabe Prime Ministers think tossers, I'm bitter they are making me redundant. I just love the use of the hearts and minds if there is anything this war has brought us it's the concept of hearts and minds. I thank you!

Baubles

Busy

2005-12-15T15:49:00.000Z

Todays liberated decoration.

I'm busy, I'm not used to being busy. Plus my a manager whom I am doing a project with has decided to sit next to me therefore can't really do this.

Anyway America has issued a security warning on an elephant, apparently this elephant is responsible for gassing Kurdish elephants and. Issuing death warrants on dissenters and genocide. All this and destroying 3 cars full of tourists in Eastern Rwanda. “Recently this elephant has displayed more aggressive behaviour towards visitors to the point that actual charging and physical contact with vehicles has occurred,”

Potassium Chloride, Pancuronium Bromide

2005-12-14T09:59:00.000Z

'You guys doing that right?'

Okay I'm being made redundant shortly and as much as I'm not after sympathy food parcels and cheques would be a nice touch this Christmas. Anyway I have a home start up idea, I'm just dotting the I's and crossing the t's at the moment. I'm sure it will be a winner.

"Daddie's gone a hunting"

There are 595 world sites which are on the list as they provide either the only or major remaining habitat for an endangered or seriously endangered species, there is 694 of them so lets go hunting. I've got the NRA on board already, they have put me in touch with an armor piericing ammunition manufacturer, I've already got me some phosphorus. I've got a map thanks to my partners the Alliance for Zero Extinction, they have also supplied a list of these species and each ickle animal will get a bounty, size and rarity as factors of price. We then set up some webcams, get some local guides (see putting money into the local economies) a couple of yachts, helicopters and SUVs and away we go. Dependant on the intrest I could make it a world cruise. So anyone intrested?

Todays liberated decoration

The hit list, cruise itinerary

NORTH AMERICA AND MEXICO
Mexico/Sur del Valle de Mexico: volcano rabbit
US/Huachuca mountains: Ramsey Canyon leopard frog
US/Cache river: ivory-billed woodpecker
SOUTH AMERICA AND CARIBBEAN
Colombia/Reserva Natural El Mirador: Fuertes’s parrot
Chile/Robinson Crusoe Island: Juan Fernández firecrown
Jamaica/Hellshire Hills: Jamaican ground iguana
EUROPE, CENTRAL ASIA AND JAPAN
China/Ahnui Chinese Alligator National Nature Reserve: Chinese alligator
Portugal/Azores, east of São Miguel: Azores bullfinch
Turkey/Silifke: Asia Minor spiny mouse
AFRICA AND MADAGASCAR
Madagascar/Daraina forest: golden-crowned sifaka
Madagascar/Tsimanampetsotsa Strict Nature Reserve: Giant-striped mongoose
Ivory Coast, Guinea, Liberia/Mont Nimba: Mont Nimba viviparous toad
SOUTH EAST ASIA
Indonesia/Ujung Kulon: Javan rhinoceros
Indonesia/Roti Island: Roti Island snake-necked turtle
AUSTRALASIA AND PACIFIC
Australia/Epping Forest National Park: northern hairy-nosed wombat New Zealand/Codfish Island: kakapo

More good news,

"They have invented a myth that Jews were massacred and place this above God, religions and the prophets," Nice one Mahmoud! That's Irans president giving his address to some children at the Our Lady the Prophet nursery school Haywood Heath, Sussex. "If someone were to deny the existence of God... or prophets and religion, they would not bother him. However, if someone were to deny the myth of the Jews' massacre, all the Zionist mouthpieces and the governments subservient to the Zionists tear their larynxes and scream against the person as much as they can," he continued. "If you committed this big crime, then why should the oppressed Palestinian nation pay the price? This is our proposal: give a part of your own land in Europe, the US, Canada or Alaska to them so that the Jews can establish their country."

Okey dokey Mahmoud, we'll bare that one in mind.

Thats how my pet robot lady makes my toast in the morning.

Golf just got intresting, not that I agree in exploiting women

My eldest Dani did me this

Clemancy? NON!

2005-12-13T12:24:00.000Z

In this season of goodwill to all men, please remember those that are forgotten and think of the others who are at this time being exploited in oppressive enviroments for others pleasure. Liberate a Christmas decoration today! I started this many years ago whilt working in a London restuarant, these poor toys and baubles stared at and hung for the amusement of fat cats easting expensive food and quaffing expensive wine. I set them free by use of helium ballon back then. Today however I don't have this at my disposal so I have a refugee camp at home set up in my living room. I set this poor snowman free today, and I implore you to do the same in the run up to Christmas, please try and set free one a day.

See children even Santa smokes cigarettes go smoke some today. And if the nasty man in the shop won't sell you any look for a kind hearted person outside to buy them for you.

This women is bringing Christmas Cheer with a cue ball in a stocking right to your head bucko!

This is deemed unsafe in the highway code and by my offices health and safety rep.

What do they know? Nothing thats what!

Restituta, take off your tunic, please, and show us your hairy privates

2005-12-12T10:47:00.000Z

(Bar/Brothel of Innulus and Papilio); Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!

(peristyle of the Tavern of Verecundus); Restitutus says: “Restituta, take off your tunic, please, and show us your hairy privates”.

(House of the Citharist; below a drawing of a man with a large nose); Amplicatus, I know that Icarus is buggering you. Salvius wrote this.

(Bar of Athictus; right of the door); I screwed the barmaid

(on the wall in the street); Theophilus, don’t perform oral sex on girls against the city wall like a dog

(House of Orpheus); I have buggered men

(Eumachia Building, via della Abbondanza); Secundus likes to screw boys.

(the Lupinare); I screwed a lot of girls here

(the Lupinare); On June 15th, Hermeros screwed here with Phileterus and Caphisus.

(the Lupinare); Sollemnes, you screw well

(above a bench outside the Marine Gate); If anyone sits here, let him read this first of all: if anyone wants a screw, he should look for Attice; she costs 4 sestertii

(in the basilica); Chie, I hope your hemorrhoids rub together so much that they hurt worse than when they every have before!

(in the basilica); Phileros is a eunuch!

(in the basilica); The one who buggers a fire burns his penis

(bar/inn joined to the maritime baths); Apelles Mus and his brother Dexter each pleasurably had sex with two girls twice

(on the exterior wall of a house); Apollinaris, the doctor of the emperor Titus, defecated well here

It's good to see that graffiti hasn't changed since Pompeii, it's all either insults or boasts, nice!

Amateur Movies

2005-12-09T16:44:00.000Z

Obessive

when football was a gentlemans game

Starwars amateurs films here, Veggies and His Video

Sweden, Portugal, Poland, Ukraine and Serbia and Montenegro

2005-12-09T14:39:00.000Z

Star player:-Zlatan Ibrahimovic Juventus Striker
Bastard:- Sven Goran Eriksson, if England fail to get to the semi's and he's caught shagging some other bit of totty, behind Nancy's back I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.

Prediction:- Second round
Prospects:- Pine resources will eventually run out, or the worlds love affair with flat pack pine furniture will anyway. And already there is a split happening with mobiles, you are either Stones fan or Beatles fan, it's the same with Nokias.

Star Player:- Luis Figo Inter Milan midfielder
Bastard:- Christiano Ronaldo, diving cheating spotty silly haired Susuki advertising Manchester United winger.

Prediction:- Second round.
Prospects:- Well they are pretty good long term friends with the UK, and have some nice golf courses and everyone likes a glass of port with their pork and cheese. So pretty good alround I would say.

Star Player:- Maciej Zurawski Celtic striker
Bastard:- Boleslaw Beriut, Stalins little polish puppet, excecuted many dissenters and military leaders after WW2 in secret trials, imprisoned church leaders and held show trials accusing collabaration with Nazi Germany but really it was to get rid of people he didn't like.

Prediction:- First round
Prospects:- Exporting more skilled and semi-skilled labour across Europe. Economy is strong thanks mainly to the pole dancing clubs spring up around the world

Star player:- Andriy Shevchenko AC Milan striker
Bastard:- Viktor Yanukovych, widley believed to be protected by KGB and involved in organised crime.

Prediction:- First round
Prospects:- The Orange revolution has not been without it's problems, corruption is still thought to be rife with the new president struggling exhort his influence.

Star player:-Mladen Krstajic, Schalke O4 defender
Bastard:-Željko Ražnatović or better known as Arkan, gangster and Serbian paramilitary leader, responsible for the muder and brutality during the Balkaan wars until his death.

Prediction:- First round
Prospects:- If the UN can sort this mess out then hopefully a stable society.

Full twoddle finished here

The diary of a nowhere man

2005-12-08T20:55:00.000Z

These where on sale today at Christies and the estimates are amazing, I like the John Wayne and Ronald Reagan one, and the blatant exploitation of it all. All of the catalogue is here

Imagine!

2005-12-08T15:01:00.000Z

Anyway, scientists have found a molecule that causes rodents to bulk up into mighty mice. Hurrah for genetically modified mice. Why can't they just test these things on republicans from Stop the ACLU? Whoa there mrs we don't want lots of Arnies running round the place. Maybe we should stick to mice. At least Mighty Mouse did some good.

And I'm getting my Turkey from this place, it's a foul fetish website, or should I say fowl. Just type in the username turkeyfarm, and bredtobewild if it don't work. I have my eyes on C.

Talking of perverts, Texans eh? Cross dressing transvestites all of em!

I'm getting my kids these for Christmas, maybe you can buy them the others.

Electric Shocks

2005-12-07T16:58:00.000Z

There are apparently 74 bands in this picture

Saddam's henchmen have been accused of using electric shocks torture, the CIA probably uses it although Condi won't say nuttin!

But Horsham, West Sussex, the home counties, surely not? Oh no it's true. Englands got it's own electric shock torture story yeehah muther fucker!

A man who tortured his wife eith electric shocks because she was not pulling her weight with DIY at their home has been jailed for 6 months by Lewes Crown Court. Recorder James Lewis QC told Andrew Champion, 56 from Horsham, West Sussex:"Cold, calculated domestic violence cannot be tolerated by the courts."

He is being flown to Abu Garrab prison first thing tomorrow morning, for his sins.

It's been proven being clever= smaller bollocks and smaller genitals in males being stupid means big kahoonas!

Have a picture of my kids

Italy

2005-12-07T16:29:00.000Z

Star player:- Alessandro Nesta, AC Milan Defender
Bastard:- Silvio Berlusconi, Prime Minister, owner of AC Milan, and more significantly of Mediaset, basically the Italian media.

Prediction:- Quarterfinals
Prospects:- They hold the key to the Euro failing or succeeding. Italys famously weak economy is beginning to creak again, and they could be in a position to blackmail the over member states to the Eurozone.

all roads lead to rome

Perfect Parenting

2005-12-07T12:36:00.000Z

It's True.

Tips for parents from the past, all taken from Nursery World it's their 80th anniversary this week.

How to cure a fussy eater:

1926, You cut out feeding times for 24 hours. He has water in abundance, exercise, rest, peace. After that you will have no trouble with regard to food and the wicked boy may be transformed into a likeable young person who appreciates mealtimes.

How to get a good night’s sleep:

1936, A nanny writes: My (18-month-old) charge would wake up every night and cry. One night, instead of petting her, I gave her a smacking instead. Every night after than when she woke up and cried without reason, I smacked her. At the end of three weeks, I found I had undisturbed nights of rest.

How to reduce a child’s allergies:

1965, Cover pillows, especially feather pillows used by children susceptible to asthma and hay fever, with polythene bags of a suitable size.

How to gain a sought-after nursery place:

1986,The magazine highlights questionable practice: “It’s easy,” one mother said. “You just have to say you’re frightened that you’re going to start hitting the kids. Then you’ll get a place!”

How to encourage a full head of hair:

1938, A reader writes: My little girl is just two with quick-growing straggly straight hair. I wonder if shaving would make it coarser and easier to keep in order. I know it seems drastic, but the child will not mind in the least.

How to stop ugly mouth breathing:

1926, Breathing through their mouths not only gives children a vacant look, but is a frequent cause of nose, throat and even chest trouble. Tell the child to place its finger firmly along one side of its nose to close the nostril and to take three short sharp breaths through the unclosed one.

How to survive as a teacher:

1984, A delegate at a conference recalls advice given to her on her first day as a teacher: Always wear a hat, gloves, no lipstick and NEVER talk to parents.”

How to serve sliced bread:

1946, It should never be cut less than an inch and a half thick. There is nothing more plebeian than thin bread at dinner.

Noseart I was expecting boogers

Disneys next Xmas video, I want it for Christmas

This is where your mum lives. And this is what I'm getting her for Christmas

Switzerland

2005-12-07T10:41:00.000Z

Star player:- Johann Vogel, AC Milan midfielder.
Bastard:- Sepp Blatter, sneaky bastard changing the seeding for the world cup so its harder for the yanks to qualify.

Prediction:- First round
Prospects:- Fondue, and expensive watches.

Swiss neutrality here